So Much Happening

Have you ever been sitting back one day minding your own business and your whole world is tipped upside down for no apparent reason? Well, I have. Just recently actually.

Ask yourself if there is one thing in this world that you have chosen to keep secret for many many years would you be willing to uncover it to everyone even if you are not sure how they will react?

Or would you tell everyone because you are so happy about it - not caring if others will understand you or shun you for it?

I am not going into detail right now - but I have come face to face with a real life hardship. I have been living life on the straight and narrow for many many years now. I have cleaned up my act and have been a pretty damn good mother to Isaac. But, I have done some really awful things in my past and this week one of those awful things came back to bite me in the ass.

I have secluded myself and my son for 4 years now - moving to a new state and forgetting - rather trying to forget all the hurt I have caused others. But I guess that will never go away. It is not like I am ashamed of the outcome - I am ashamed of myself. I have been living in some fantasy that I have made my reality and I don't know how to make it stop. I have been to shrinks to voice my feelings before and thought I was OK with not talking about it - but I am not. I see that now. I have lied to people I love just by not telling them all that I have done.

I think that if I would have been with a loving family - shoot even if I had been with a family - I would not have turned out this way. But I can not change the past. And now I am having a hard time living for the future. I keep thinking about the past and the things I should have done differently. There are times I thought being dead would be easier for everyone. But I could not even do that right, lol.

I guess this is my pity party tonight - so I might as well make the best of it.

I am so sick of feeling like I am alone in this world. Like I am all I have. I have fought and fought to do good and every time I turn around someone is trying to tear me down. I am old enough where I should know that what people say should not hurt me - but it does and I can't help it.

I can't write any more tonight - I can't even think about this blog tonight. I will write more later. Maybe get some sleep and start with a clear mind.