**CAUTION** NOT FOR SENSITIVE READERS

This is probably going to be a very sensitive post - so I warn all sensitive readers of my blog if you can not handle the truth right now - STOP READING AND JUST EXIT MY BLOG!!!

I have alot to get off my chest - so here I go.

I was in foster care for the most sensitive years of my life. Practically all of it. I have been told so many different stories about my upbringing that is only natural for me to want to know the truth. So I have been looking for some time for the truth. And I have found it.

I have found my birth family. At least my fathers side of the family. I found them on the Internet - they have a family tree posted on there. I have had several chats with my paternal aunts and have found out alot that I never knew. It may actually explain alot of my past and history also.

When I was very young like 2-3 years old my biological sister was in a very bad car vs train accident where her boyfriend was killed and she suffered extreme injuries to her back and head. I have been told after that accident she began to be very cruel and angry with everyone around her. She was beating me and being verbally abusive to my mother. When I was 4 years old {I was told} I went to the bathroom to "go" and my father was in the shower. While he was showering - he dropped dead in the shower. While I was on the toilet. I have been told that after that happened I was heavily sedated in a hospital bed for sometime. Which is crazy because I am now 30 years old and have had these dreams of this happening - but only thought they were bad dreams. I never for a second thought they were real. Apparently it is my past trying to come to the surface. I never knew what they were - until now. Alot of my life is coming together now. After that my mother put me in the system - basically forgot me you could say. I have always been told that I never want to know the truth and now I know why. The truth really does hurt. It hurts to be given away, and I feel sorry for the ones that have been given away. But I hope that like myself - they too can try to recover from the hurt, pain and confusion. Just because someone gives you away does not mean you are trash, it is not possible. There is definitely something good in everyone. I will sooner or later find the good in my real mother, there has to be a reason why she gave me up. I do not want to believe that she just did it because I was to much for her to handle. There has to be a good reason. Some day I hope to find that reason out. Maybe the death of my father was the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak.

I want to end with this - I know there are several people that love me now. I know that. I know somethings I did are VERY questionable. But only I know what I have gone through my entire life to get to where I am now. I have many secrets that no one will ever know about me, but at least this is one thing I can breath a sigh of relief over. I have a family - a real one that actually did try to fight for me and was turned down at every point. I have never found out the details of why my mother did not give me to "family" and maybe it was for the best. I think that if I would not have gone through all the tough times - I would not have the enjoyable times now.

Love You All;
Kristine