So Much Happening

Have you ever been sitting back one day minding your own business and your whole world is tipped upside down for no apparent reason? Well, I have. Just recently actually.

Ask yourself if there is one thing in this world that you have chosen to keep secret for many many years would you be willing to uncover it to everyone even if you are not sure how they will react?

Or would you tell everyone because you are so happy about it - not caring if others will understand you or shun you for it?

I am not going into detail right now - but I have come face to face with a real life hardship. I have been living life on the straight and narrow for many many years now. I have cleaned up my act and have been a pretty damn good mother to Isaac. But, I have done some really awful things in my past and this week one of those awful things came back to bite me in the ass.

I have secluded myself and my son for 4 years now - moving to a new state and forgetting - rather trying to forget all the hurt I have caused others. But I guess that will never go away. It is not like I am ashamed of the outcome - I am ashamed of myself. I have been living in some fantasy that I have made my reality and I don't know how to make it stop. I have been to shrinks to voice my feelings before and thought I was OK with not talking about it - but I am not. I see that now. I have lied to people I love just by not telling them all that I have done.

I think that if I would have been with a loving family - shoot even if I had been with a family - I would not have turned out this way. But I can not change the past. And now I am having a hard time living for the future. I keep thinking about the past and the things I should have done differently. There are times I thought being dead would be easier for everyone. But I could not even do that right, lol.

I guess this is my pity party tonight - so I might as well make the best of it.

I am so sick of feeling like I am alone in this world. Like I am all I have. I have fought and fought to do good and every time I turn around someone is trying to tear me down. I am old enough where I should know that what people say should not hurt me - but it does and I can't help it.

I can't write any more tonight - I can't even think about this blog tonight. I will write more later. Maybe get some sleep and start with a clear mind.

Frozen, but still hanging in there...

WEATHER:
When we left Ohio and moved to Texas it was snowing and pretty cold. People that know me well enough know why I left - but we certainly did not want to wait around for good weather. I knew when it was time to go - and we went. I went as far as I could and still stay in the states. Don't think I didn't think about going further - but my Spanish sucks. So that really wasn't an option. But I was in hopes of warmer weather and less snow. Well, we got the less snow - actually we get practically none year round. But good God - the temperature is ridiculous here!! This morning when I went to work it was 14 degrees!! 14 - yeah you read it right - 14 degrees! I did not think it got to be 14 degrees in Texas.
Meemaw called me last night and said it was going to be cold - but I never imagined it would be that cold. I dug out winter hats I never thought we would need again this year. I actually wore a sweater to work - I never wear sweaters. And I was still freezing.
I am in my house now in the living room and I am still cold - I wonder if I will ever warm up. On the other side - I feel bad for the people up north who have over 5-8 or even in some places 10 feet of snow to shovel and plow. Just glad it is not me anymore. No more plowing and shoveling for us.

ISAAC:
He is doing great - he had a bit of a rough week behavior wise at school but he cleaned it up real good for the last day. He got a new pair of tennis shoes today - he is getting so big. He wears a size 4 1/2 now in shoes. I took him to the library so he could get some books for the weekend.
He got a 94% on his spelling test, now they are taking state and government classes and he got a 100% on his first paper iin that class. He is still on the Honor Roll. Also, he is learning more about how to use the computer.

OK, well I will update more later when I thaw out a little more.

Nothing Much Happening

We just finished another week in Texas. Weather started out cold at first then beautiful in the 70's then freezing Thursday and Friday!! What weather here. They say that if you every want the weather to change - just wait a minute...LOL. It never stays the same here.

There has been a huge rash of flu cases here - so many in fact they have closed down some schools in the area. Luckily not Isaac's.

Something crazy happened this week though. I live in an apartment complex that is pretty old - it was built in like the 50's or something. Well, me and my friend Amy always to to keep up on the latest things happening in the area and you wont believe what I found out. Actually, I didn't believe it until I read it. I checked in the local paper on the Internet and found an article that was written on 02/01/07. It says that are building was tested for Legionnaires Disease and tested POSITIVE. I did not think anything about it at first - they said it caused flu like symptoms. So I figured well it was another thing to watch for living in an old building. Then I read some more. It can be FATAL. Then I started freaking out. Because Isaac was just really sick and had all the symptoms they listed in the article.
I printed it out and called the Health Department the next morning and spoke to the man that tests the complexes and wrote the article. He set my mind at ease by what he told me though. He said the chance of getting it in the winter was slim to none, because the cooling tower is only used in the summer. I felt better about that - then I started talking to him about the problems we have had here as far as leaks and things not being repaired promptly and or properly. He is sending a man out next week to test our place for mold, dust in the vents and cracks and stuff. He said if it is not up to code they will give the landlord until a certain date to get it fixed. So, I guess one of two things will happen next week either I will find out my apartment is OK or I will find out what needs to be fixed. Then I will not have to argue with them anymore about fixing things. He will have to do it. So, thank God for reading the paper - LOL.

I will let you know more about that later. I went grocery shopping and stocked up. So we don't really have to leave this weekend. Although we probably will anyway.

OK - I will touch base later.

The Party

WOW - what else can I say. The ultimate result of Isaac's birthday party was very unexpected.
He invited 29 kids all total - at least 14 RSVP'd and only 9 showed up - and 3 of them were his friends brothers. Oh, and by the way - no parents stayed with me to help. When 2 parents from the PTA said they would.
I was not expecting that - I had ordered a sheet of cake - vanilla and chocolate. I ordered 4 large pizzas {which at the end of the party I gave one pizza to the workers at the counter for helping me} the children ate one - so guess what I got stuck with 2 extra pizzas. I hope Isaac is hungry - what am I talking about he is always hungry {lol}.
I think I wasted more money between wasted cake and undrunk sodas and uneaten pizza than I did for the party itself.
But you know what? My son was so happy to have those friends around him and celebrate together. They were laughing and playing so hard. Not a care in the world - not worrying about being quiet or not running - they were having a blast! And in the long run - that is all that mattered. I got some great photos that I will post shortly. I did not finish the whole roll of film as soon as I do - I will post them.
My guy is 8 - I can't believe it! He even looks older to me - lol. He is playing with his new toys right now. But he did not get little kid toys like usual - he actually got big kid toys. I guess he is growing up. I am not ready for it - but I guess I better get ready because it is happening whether I want it to or not.
OK - well I need to get off of here and get this house cleaned up - there are wrappers and boxes everywhere I look.
I will post more another day - we love all of you guys that take the time to read our blog and keep up on our day to day lives with us.

My Birthday Boy

Well, he is feeling MUCH better and went back to school Friday. However when he went back - he still had a rough time, he broke his glasses somehow. So yet another repair - lol.He enjoyed his birthday - I got him 2 more wrestlers and a wresting ring, 2 DVDs and a wooden toy organizer for his room {which he desperately needed}.Well tomorrow is the big party. So I will have plenty of pictures for all to see and give you an update on how it went too.Right now he is so cute - he is watching the oldie cartoons - from when I was a little kid. The faces he makes when he watches them - he is so cute.I can't believe it has been 8 years already - man it does not seem that long.I am only disappointed by one thing - no calls from his fathers side of the family. How do answer his questions and not make them sound like awful people? He asked me at Christmas why they didn't send anything and at Christmas his dad said he would send his Christmas presents and birthday presents together at his birthday - well his birthday was yesterday and no calls and no gifts. So what do I say then? I made myself a present a long time ago not to talk ugly about them in front of Isaac and I have kept my side of the bargain. They are making their own impressions on him. Isaac is not dumb by any means and he knows what they are doing...all too well. I should have know they would only disappoint him again - we have been through this so many times I have lost count. So I don't let it bother me anymore. I just try to answer his questions when he asks - but lately he hasn't even wanted to ask - I think he knows the answer already.I guess since we live in Texas and they live in Ohio - they are not capable of having a long distance relationship - even if it is with their immediate family. I don't know I can't explain it.I know everyone gets tired of me talking about Isaac all the time - but he is the only reason I keep on going everyday.Here is a real good picture that was taken at MeeMaw's house during Christmas. I will update more later on - now I need to make treats for the party...

Fever is Down

YEAH! All day yesterday fever was down and so far so good this morning.

I think he will be able to go back to school tomorrow - I sure hope so. I can't stand being cooped up in the house.

I will update more later.

Still Not feeling Well

Well, it is Bronchitis. Isaac ended up in the hospital again yesterday with high fever. They did chest X-rays to rule out pneumonia and said it is Bronchitis. They put him on a very strong antibiotic and we are both home until at least Friday.

I am worried about his birthday party - it is Sunday. The invitations are already out and I have no idea what I will do if he can't go. I don't know how I would get in touch with all the parents. The weird thing is - he always seems to get sick around his birthday. For his 2ND birthday he was in the hospital for 2 days with pneumonia. I know I do not need to worry about every little thing - but I am a mom and that is what we do.

I will update more if anything changes...

Getting Better Everyday

Thank God - I think he fever has broke! It has been 98.6 for over 3 hours now. He has been taking his medicine and antibiotics. The Dr said if it is still under 99.0 tomorrow he can go back to school. Yeah!

Just wanted to stop in right quick and give you all an update - I will write more tomorrow. I am really very tired tonight.

Good Night and God Bless

On the road to Recovery

Well, we went to the pediatrician today. We just could not get this fever to go down and stay down. So, after a complete checkup, the Dr put him on an antibiotic and said to keep giving him the Tylenol and Motrin. God, I hope this works. The Dr thinks he has Strep!! Man, this sucks. I hate it when he is sick and there is really nothing I can do but give him medicine and hope that works. The problem is if the fever does not break and stay down then the fear of possible Meningitis is there. That is far fetched - but not irrational at this point. His fever has been from 103.3 to tonight when I took it at 98.7 - so hopefully it broke and we can breath a sigh of relief. The Dr says not to really worry again at this point unless the fever gets over 102.5 then call his office and we will go from there.

How do you convince yourself being a mother that you are doing the right things for your children? When you did not have the motherly upbringing to show you what to worry about and what not too? I have this ongoing problem everyday I make decisions regarding Isaac. Second guessing myself about alot of things. I do the best I can - but you can't help but think...Maybe he would not have gotten sick if I made him wear the hat or zip his coat or wash his hands more often. I do all that - so there must be something else right? Something else I am missing that I should be doing. I know germs are germs - but I can't help but feeling this way. Isaac is literally all I have in this great big world and when he is sick - I feel like I failed him. Maybe I am over reacting - maybe not...

Well, I will be hoping and praying for the best all night and when I take his temp tomarrow - I will update you all.

Love:
Kristine and Isaac

This is going to be a Long Weekend

Well, let me start with this - I have seen Isaac when he has the flu. I have seen him when he has colds. I was even there when he had pnoemonia. But yesterday when I picked him up from school he told me he had a real bad headache. I brought him home - not really thinking anything abou it gave him an Excedrin and after a while he felt better. Then this morning - I take him to school. At 12 the nurse calls me and tells me he has a fever of over 102. I almost choked. I can not stand the thought of him being sick or in pain. I told her I would be there immediately. By the time I got there - his fever was over 103. Now I was really freaking out. I called my Meemaw (she has been there for sick kids-this is my first rodeo). She told me what to do and what medicine to give him and when. Even told me to write it all down in case we need to go to the hospital. While I was listening to her tell me what to do for my son - the whole time I was thinking what would I do without her. I don't have family of my own. I have had foster parents (several) but none truly perminant family. I knew a long time ago I loved her like a mother. But when she talks me off the cliff when it comes to things that are way over my head -it is just verified even more. She has 2 sons - I think I am her long lost daughter. LOL. I am now happy to report after her coaching and calling to remind me to give medicine or more juices - Isaac now has a fever of 99 and we could not be happier. For this and every time she helps me out or teaches me another new thing about Isaac or about life itself - I love her even more.

Some major things have happened in the passed 8 months!!!

Isaac is in 2nd grade and made the A Honor Roll - his behavior has been excellent.

We had a very nice Christmas. We spent it with Meemaw and PawPaw of course. Meemaw got a donkey. Isaac got to spend the weekend with Devin - they have not seen each other in over a year. So they had a great time.

We have learned some new techniques to help him concentrate in school and we are both working on behavior and making time for each other. His counselor, Colin, graduated him and took him off the Stratera. He and I both agree it is not ADHD - it is mere boredom. He is very advance for himself and gets bored easily. So we have worked with his teachers to give him extra worksheets or more computer time. So he is not in the middle of everyone else. So far - so good. I will keep you updated on his progress. This is a kid that almost got kicked out of school last year to A honor roll this year - we will never give up though. I feel if I let him know I am leery on his progress - he will feel it too...I refuse to let him think that about himself.

As far as me. I have landed me a spot in a wonderful company that has worked my hours to allow me to spend much more time at home. I think this has made a huge difference on our lives. We have more time to enjoy the funner side of life.

There has been a lot of wonder on both of our sides about what type of relationship - if any - his father wants to have with him. He does not call him. Isaac was crushed this Christmas when there was nothing under the tree from any of his family on his fathers side. In their defense most of them are Witnesses and do not celebrate the holiday. But, his father is not. And yet he still chose not to send anything. I am not sure why - but his birthday is coming up in February so I guess we will see...

Now that reminds me - Isaac is having a birthday party in February - so I will post pictures as soon as we get them done.

OK - well, I think I have taken up as much time as I can now. So, I will end on this note...

"Never give up, it will stop raining sooner than later."

Wow...It Has Been A Long Time!!!

My Man!

The bottom picture is a relaxing weekend at Meemaw's house in Waxahachie. We go out there for a whole lot of R&R...Those pups are his friends there - there is one more, Sandy, I have to get her picture next time...

The top one was my Mothers Day gift, He took a self portrait for me. I did not know until I developed the film on Mothers day. I asked him what he was doing and he said "Happy Mothers Day, I didn't get you a card". I laughed, hugged him- walked away and cried a little bit...Man, the emotional roller coaster kids give you...I love him more than anything. I can only hope and pray that he knows that.

Good night.

My Man!

Just Bored and Venting...

Well, just figured I would drop a note filling you in a little of our days. We had a very peaceful day today and evening as well. Isaac had a wonderful day in school. I went and ate lunch with him at school today, we had a talk about respect and being good in class. Just a reminder talk basically, he has had a great week so far. After school, he got to play outside and roller blade with his friends. We went to a Mom's Night Out this evening. The church had babysitters for the kids and the Mom's got together and talked and socialized. It was nice not to have to look over my shoulder every 5 seconds checking on him - I knew he was in good hands. So I was able to be with adults and actually carry on a conversation - lol. I don't want anyone to think I regret losing my freedom - by having a child, I don't. I just have to use my time more wisely. I need to be able to be with adults - but I worry about him and his behavior.

I wonder what his father is doing while I am worrying... Probably nothing. He does not seem to care a whole lot anyway. He tells me this last week that he conveniently got fired from his job. So I guess that is a very smooth way to say - Isaac does not get any money for child support... So surprise, surprise when the check came it was $30 short. Was I mad? No - I already expected it. Not like he is very reliable anyway. Even though he has a second source of income - I guess he figures that the huge payment of $60 is going to pay his daycare, feed him and buy his clothes for the summer - even though his daycare doubles in the summer. But, I guarantee that his other 2 kids have what they need. But, regardless - Isaac will have what he needs - because I will, as always, make sure of it. It might seem like his dad stopped talking to us when we moved to Texas - but no, he lost us long before we moved. It is like he just did not want anything to do with either of us. So, I don't harp on Isaac to call him - I ask him and if he says no - then I don't make him call. But at least I make the effort to even ask him. What really ticked me off - is when Isaac had the surgery on his mouth I called him and told him that he should call and talk to Isaac, well I guess he forgot how to dial - because we still have not heard from him. Yeah, still not surprised. That is how his dad is. I can guarantee - even with him having a second income - he will not pay a dime of child support until he starts another job where they can garnish his wages again. He does not pay it voluntarily. Never has. It makes me wonder, how does he think Isaac is going to look at this when he gets older. I will never tell Isaac anything about his dad not paying anything to help raise him - but what he finds out on his own...well that is a different story. I will be there to answer his questions. But I am a firm believer on not pitting a child against a parent - no matter how worthless they seem to be. So, I guess this blog should be dedicated to any and all worthless dads who think that child support does not go to their child. Because I guarantee every penny of his went to him - and now thanks to his dad - he has none. Which means I will have to cover the extra money and the current bills and his daycare and whatever else comes up that needs to be paid. Because apparently - he is not going to.

Well, I know I do right by my son. I do whatever I can to make sure he has a happy and healthy childhood. I only wish he had a dad that gave a crap to be there too...a good dad does not even have to be there physically - but when he knows his dad and knows his dad does not even call. Or does not even write a letter - well, he is hurting himself in the eyes of his son. My son told me the other day, "Not all families have dads, it's ok". That is so true and it comes from a 7 year old... Go figure - he is smarter than we think.

So, I am going to bed now. I need to go to work in the morning - so I can make money to support my son - by myself.

Damn, I feel better - lol - Good Night...

Our Pride and Joy...

These fish have been our project since Jan, 2006. I am happy to report they are all doing well. Alot of people I talk to want to see pictures of them - so here they are. I believe this is a good way to teach Isaac responsibility. He does great remembering to feed them. If you look really close there is a box in the tank that has a baby guppie in it - we are waiting for her to get big enough to go into general population of the tank. Probably in a few weeks. So let me tell you what is in there. The big white and orange one is a Orange Oranda. The black one with big eyes is a Black Moora. The two gold fish were feeder fish we tested our tank with in January and they have just managed to stick around since then. There are 4 guppies, one is a fancy. And then there is the baby. Oh, of course the algae eater.
It is a bit overstocked, so soon there will be a second tank, probably another 30 gallon, just for the goldfish. Then the guppies will have their own tank. Since we can not have dogs or cats - these are our pets and we are happy to share them with you.

A little frustration goes a long way...

Well, I am back as promised and tired as Hell!!! I drove to my Meemaw's house this weekend and stayed Friday night. Then we drove back on Saturday evening. When I got in I was exhausted - though it was a little too hot in the house but decided to lie down for a little bit. Woke up sweating to death! Checked the air conditioner and what's new - the whole thing is blowing HOT air!!! It is like 90 outside and I don't have air conditioning! So, midnight run to Wal-mart so Isaac does not break into an asthma attack, we get a fan and that seems to help a little. I was up off and on all night putting cool rags on him to keep him cool - OMG what a night. But this morning is Mother's Day, and I got greeted in bed with nothing else than the best - a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. My favorite. So, we are going to spend the day together, and just relax. I did get my newest pictures developed - and I will post some on here. Nothing really has been going on here, just relaxing and enjoying the Texan Heat.
I will post later tonight - we are going to get in the sun for a while - maybe get wet...