My mind is EVERYWHERE tonight...

OK, everyone and anyone who knows me well enough knows that when I get mad I use this blog as my sounding board. So - do not be surprised with anything you read hear tonight. I am so sick and tired of people whining and crying that noone listens, noone pays attention, noone cares. Pity me, Pity me, Pity me is all that comes out of their mouths.

Have people ever stopped to think that maybe they bring their own grief to themselves. Some people LOVE to be the victim. If you chose to be the victim you are and always will be. Why don't they just get off their dead ass and do something about it. If you don't like your current situation - CHANGE IT. Don't sit there and freaking cry about it. No one wants to hear it. I have had to nix so many people from my life because of this and may be doing it again very soon.

In one hand I have a good friend of mine (no names - they know who they are) that is allowing herself to be a victim. So much so that it is consuming her life. Tearing it down as a matter of fact. Tearing apart her children and not only that, I suspect she thinks I am buying the story that all is well and good in her life. It is not. I have been through some shit and can tell when someone else is going through it too. I can not get consumed in it but is hard for me to say "no" to her. I went to do a type of wellness check on her today because I have not heard from her in 2 days. She was curled up on the couch like all is well and good. It was 2:30pm and she was not at work - I did not even want to know why. I just made sure she was still alive and decided at that point I needed to leave. I need to wash my hands of it and at this point be a distant friend.

In the other I have another friend of mine that is in such a suck ass relationship that it is on the verge of abusive and intrusive all in one. Yet they are still together. I can not understand it. No privacy at all. No honesty. No loyalty. Nothing...yet they are still together. For what? Neither of them are happy. They argue all the time over little shit. She does not respect him. He does not respect her.

I have been in a relationship where getting my ass kicked was my day to day living. I was there to be his punching bag. I was tore down mentally, emotionally and physically. But you know what - I finally realized what was best for me and Isaac. It was best to get myself together. If that meant getting on my own then so be it. It is not such a bad thing to be alone. I actually like it. Yeah, I get lonely - so do alot of other people. Yeah, I don't go out and do alot - not everyone does. I stay at home alot because that is where I feel safe. I have spent alot of time making MY safe haven. I have it now, I finally feel safe. After several years of living in fear.

I had a guy that I have liked for a long time today tell me that basically it would not work between us in a relationship because I don't go out and do things. I do go out - I just don't spend top dollar for the things I do. I admit it - I live cheap. But I don't live above my means. I don't want to do things for fun that will make me unable to pay my bills. I go to the dollar movie instead of the new releases. I go to the park instead of the arcades. Big deal, because I don't go spending a ton of money that I can not afford to throw away - I am no good for a relationship. Hmmm, I thought that was a good thing to be financially stable. I guess not. The funny thing is he does not even know that this made me angry - I just blew it off. I will get over it anyway. It does not change how I feel about him. I just know what I can and cannot spend. What that told me was that he does not understand the mental state of abuse recovery. I need to feel secure enough to go out and I don't go out because I don't feel secure enough by myself. It is a total catch 22 I guess. I know what I can and can not handle at this point. Even though it has been years since I left my ex - it will take forever to recover from him. I just need someone to be there for me when I need to talk, cry, vent or just be silent with. I thought I had found the one - maybe I have. Maybe if he knew about my past more maybe he would understand. I don't think I am ready to tell him anything yet. Maybe some other time...like next year...lol.

Well, Meemaw is coming this weekend. I am so excited to see her. I want her to see my apartment and meet my friends. She is going to cook dinner Monday night...Yummy. She is a great cook. I can not even compare. She has taught me everything I know as far as cooking. Isaac is excited too. He has been helping me clean the house for her. I love my Meemaw. I don't know what I would do with out her. She should have been my mother. I feel like her long lost daughter.

Well, I have become a bit long winded - I guess I should cut this off now.

Love;
Kristine