Such a Long Time and Still Nothing New

Well, Isaac is enjoying his summer vaca so far. Monday he went to the movies, Tuesday the pool, Wednesday the Celebration Station, Thursday the pool and Friday roller skating. Wow I got tired just typing all of that...lol. He is in a Christian Academy for Summer fun. He loves it. I am so glad for him. Still have not gotten the pictures developed from graduation - hold tight. They are coming...

Well as far as me. No word on the promotion yet. I wish they would call for an interview time and date. I am excited but every day I don't get called in I get more and more nervous. I have a feeling I may have a chance at it if they just call me in. I already know the system and the material frontwards and backwards. But I am sure alot of other people do also. I will give it my best shot that is for sure. This would be an awesome thing for us. Higher pay, better benefits, vacation for me, insurance for both of us, then I will feel better about alot of things.

I am trying to dig my way out of debt - haha. Seems like it will never happen - I know it will but it just seems crazy to try and sort all this shit out and then look in my checkbook and there is not enough for it all. But, we are doing good now. I am getting caught up, THANK GOD. I want to be in a house by the time Isaac is 10 - I may have to move that to 12. I want him to have his own yard - but I also want to be able to afford it too. I will not get myself into a bad situation where I would lose anything. Not doing that. I am thinking this out very carefully - I am going in the right direction. I have cut back in alot of areas - like shopping every 2 weeks for new clothes or new toys. We do not need that right now - I know that. It is just nice to be able to spend it every once in awhile. But I keep reminding myself of priorities, not amenities.

I wonder if anyone has ever been as alone as I am. Felt as alone as I do. Seen as many late night reruns as I have. I still am not sleeping. I tell people that I am so they don't worry - but I am not. I am worried. Not sure what is wrong with me I go for days with no sleep then just hit rock bottom and sleep hard. I think I am lonely. I really do. I think I need to look into a relationship again, take time for me to be happy. I am happy now - but lonely. Very lonely. They told me
in domestic abuse therapy that when you feel like this you get the urge to go back to the abuser because at least you were with someone instead of being alone. I can honestly say that is not an option. EVER. He did enough to ruin my life and will not allow that anymore. That is why I am scared to get into another relationship, repeat reaction I guess. I need to get passed the fact that all men are not hitters. Some are ok. I can say I have finally had enough. I have been talking to this guy for a while now I have liked him for a while, but I know in my head nothing can happen - but my heart won't listen. He is like the forbidden fruit was to Adam, He ate it and see what happened - lol. I do not want anything bad to happen don't want to lose the people I love - so I have to refrain from ruining what a great thing is happening in my life. Everytime I talk to him I learn a little more about him. And I like everything more and more. But you know how people can have to much past? He has to much of a past...So I regress...Nothing will happen there - I know that and so does he. Does not stop us from talking about what it would be like. But we both know it can never be. Kinda like Romeo and Juliet. But he is no Romeo and I am no Juliet, lol.
So I will stop talking about him and go on...

So anyway - I found out the other day I have a 1/2 brother. Biological 1/2 brother. We have the same father. How awesome is that. He sent an email to my aunt regarding the family tree she has posted on the internet. She forwarded it to me and I responded to him. I have not heard anything yet - so he may or may not respond. I will have to wait and see I guess. It would be awesome to find out more about my father. I know he was a great man - I just know it. I wish he was still here. I think all the evil that has been done to me would have never happened if he were here to protect me. My mother sure did not do any protecting - but a dad...how great would that be?! Noone else could feel the happiness that a dad would bring but me - and I would hold it hostage so noone else could have it. Not even look at it, touch it or even breath the smell of the happiness a dad would be for me. You see there is noone there for people like me - the "throwaways" of life. When the parents get tired of them - they throw them away. That was me - the "throwaway". She turned her back and never turned around again to see if there was even a tear falling from her leaving. She did not care - so why should I care about her? I don't - I just want to ask one question - it should be "why" but I would ask her "how can you sleep at night not knowing if I was dead or alive". She probably slept soundly - she did not care enough to check on me sure she did not care when she high tailed and ran away from me. What amazed me was the fact that she kept the other children. I have a brother and 2 sisters from her. She kept them. Kept them in her life - what the hell did I do so wrong. I was young. What could I have done so awful that made a mother hate her? I will never know, because no matter what my son does - he will never be a "throwaway". I will always love him - no matter what. I still believe to this day - if my dad was here none of this would have happened at all to me. I could blame her - but I don't. I fell sorry for her. She is missing out on her grand kids. She is the one missing out - not me.

Wow - that took alot out of me...More another time.
Love you
K&I