Our Weekend Vacation...

Well, I finally broke down and went somewhere for a mini vacation...We both deserved it and needed it so bad. Isaac has been doing so well in school and I have been working like a slave in the office overtime every single night, I figured we deserved it. So I saw opportunity to get relaxation and I jumped on it. Meemaw was planning a visit to Gonzales, TX to visit her sick aunt and uncle. She asked if we wanted to go for the ride. I immediately said yes of course. I then started looking up and researching the history behind this town. O my - what history there is. Whenever you have a chance you definitely need to Google it or even go to city site. It is amazing. And being there is even more so. It is about a 5 hour drive and all country. It was so relaxing even Isaac seemed more relaxed lol.

I have included some pictures for you to check out. Hope you enjoy them. Go to my personal MySpace page to see more. I don't know for certain how to put the whole album on here but will put it on MySpace for sure.

Love you guys;
Kristine

I am so Relaxed tonight

It has been almost a week since my last cigarette and I really feel I am done with smoking. I have had a bit or cravings but nothing nearly as bad as I thought it would be like. If I would have known it would be this easy - I would have quit a long time ago, lol.

Well, Isaac had his 1st day in 3rd grade today!!! Yeah! He was so excited, he did really great. He did not get the teacher he wanted but I think he will be just fine. She is an older lady so maybe she won't put up with any crap - lol. He has a very small classroom this year - 16 students in all. That is good at least. Well, I will keep you posted on how this works out through the year.

Well, not alot to update - so I will be signing off now. Just a reminder my birthday is Thursday - I am getting so old...ughh. Thanks to everyone that has already sent birthday wishes my way...

Love you All;
Kristine

FRIENDS SUCK!!! I NEED A REAL MAN...NOT A FRIEND

What the fuck have I done to deserve people walking all over me and treating me like shit?! I take peoples feelings into account in my day to day life. But it seems like the people I surround myself with could give a shit less...
I have one person that is so wishy washy I am convinced she only calls me when she needs something or when she is in trouble. Then I have another one I would give my right arm for and when I need something trivial - they are so much up their companions ass they can do nothing for someone else. You know I am so tired of this bullshit. I miss Amy right now. She is a friend - she could give these people a lesson on how to be a true friend. She is married and still makes time for her true friends as I would for a true friend. But, she is out of town right now and I miss her alot. I have noone to talk to. I made plans with my so-called friend and got a call later Saturday afternoon with her saying she is in Fort Worth! Well, fuck you Kristina - not like you had plans to hang out or something. Then tonight my son is running fever and I was going to take him to the hospital. My "friend" would not help me with $20 to get a prescription because his fucking girlfriend would not let him! I was not trying to make him broke my god - I just did not want to have to go to the bank and take out what little I had before payday. But what the fuck do I know. I thought friends looked out for friends. But, I guess I don't need any. It just goes to show you all I have is my Meemaw and my son. That is proof of it for sure.
I am so mad right now I probably should not even be doing this blog. But screw it why should I keep quiet when noone cares anyway. For those who do care - my sons fever has subsided for now thanks to my Meemaw telling me what to do to break it. If it were not for her we would be in the ER right now. Then my so-called friends would tell me tomorrow "why didn't you tell me".
I will tell you what I need. I need a good man, a good boyfriend. A good boyfriend would have said "Let's take him to the doctor, I will stay with you and make sure he is ok". But, nope don't have that either. I need that though. I am so tired of doing shit alone. Sitting here worrying, crying, feeling alone. I know I have alot to add to a good relationship - but no idea where to find a good guy anymore. I don't go to clubs, bars or party - so how do I socialize enough to meet someone. Not to many guys at the park - and they are probably pedophiles anyway. So, don't want one of them. The guys in my building are all drunks - so don't need them. The guys at my job are like 100 years old - nope not them either...So what do I do? Do I go for the one that likes little kids, drinking to oblivion or about to be stuffed at the taxidermist? Hmmm, the decisions are endless.
OK - well, that is enough of my rants and raves for the moment...Just keep in mind - taking applications for a real man to spend some time with. Apply within.
Love you guys;
Kristine

Time Sure Does Fly

Tonight I did something I have not done in years. I layed down with my son in his bed and just told him stories of when he was a baby. Things he loved to do. Stroking his hair and rubbing his eyebrows, I remembered when he was born and at that moment my Meemaw told me something I have never heard before but will never forget now. "Having children is the hardest pain a person can endure - but the easiest one to forget" I think about that and know it is true. I had Isaac 8 years ago and can not remember any pain of his birth. I remember the hospital, going to labor and the surgery - but no pain. Amazing how one little person can give me so much pain one minute and so much joy for so many long years after the fact. I know for a fact the only reason I am alive right now is because of that little boy. When I found out I was pregnant, I swore to turn it all around and I believe I have. I am stable now and happier than I have been in many years. I can only hope the fears he had before are only distant memories now. I hope I can give him a better life than I had ever dreamed of. My youth sucked that is no secret and I believe if it were not for Isaac - my adulthood would suck too. For this I love him more and more every single day of his life.

Here I am again

Just a quick update about us so far. I have gotten over the whole promotion thing. I realize if it were meant for me to be in that position I would have gotten it. They ended up giving it to an associate that has 20 years of experience. What more could they ask for? At least the best person for the job got it. So I am not sore about it any longer.

Isaac is really doing good on his behavior and listening skills lately. We have both been working on it this week. LOL. Only 2 days into the week, forgot. Oh well, we both have done good for 2 days.

I am working mad overtime at the job and have actually been able to start paying off some more debt. Yeah. Paying bills. I think I am the only one that gets happy about that. One of these days I will be 1/2 way out of debt. Maybe... I will work the overtime as long as they offer it to me. There will be another position coming open soon at the job that I think I will apply for anyway.
Then maybe more overtime will mean more money.

Isaac went to the pool today with his summer camp group. He really likes it there for the most part. Some days are worse than others but when you are 8 and have to wake up at 5 in the morning you can not expect everyday to be great.

Not alot to update - just that we are doing fine and all is well here. I hope it is well for you too.

Love Kristine

Didn't Get It...

Well, for the ones that are interested and have been asking me...NO, I did not get the promotion. What am I going to do? I have no frickin idea...I don't really feel like bloggin right now - I will write more later.

Really Been Slackin'

I have really been behind on my updates...So you are getting them all at once.

I have been in a really shitty mood all day. Not really sure why. But I can just feel it. You know how you can just tell you are not going to have a good day? That was me today. For starters, I was hoping to hear something about the promotion I applied for. Still have not heard anything yet and it is driving me crazy. They said we would hear something by the 15th - well today is the 16th. Ok, maybe they are a little behind - but damn...I am going crazy not knowing. In one hand I think I have a good chance of getting it then in the other I don't think so...Man, I am so confused. Hopefully tomorrow will be the announcement. I am not getting my hopes up to much...Who am I fooling - of course I am. I want this position so bad...But I can not put all my chickies in one basket you know...Ok I am trying to fool myself now - I have so many chickies in one basket it is overflowing...lol

I took Isaac to the pool this weekend - big mistake. Not going to the pool - but staying so long. I am so burnt it hurts to move my arms up and down. Thank God I am not an air traffic controller I would have called off today. I am so sore. I look like a lobster...lol. But we had a blast and that is all that matters.

Well Meemaw has still not been able to move yet. We are still waiting for the information to come through the mail for her. I can not wait. She will be so much happier. She will have all her own stuff back. She started taking those pills to make you quit smoking - man I need some of those. They are already working on here - I know they would work for me too. I don't like her having to do so much and be so far away. I miss her and I know Isaac does to.

Speaking of Isaac. He has been doing good. Very good actually. Kinda mouthy still - but what young man isn't? We are going to start getting his school supplies soon - great further and further in debt again. But, he is worth it. As long as he stays on the honor roll - I am willing to work with him. He has been in the same school going on 4 years. He got the option to go to the Gifted and Talented school again - but does not want to leave his friends - so back to Williams he will go. Oh yeah - I almost forgot, he is wearing deodorant now...lol. he thinks he is all grown up now. He is wearing Tag too, body spray. I guess there is a little girl he likes...lol. Or maybe he realized sweat and little boys does not mix - lol.

Ok, well that is all on us for now...Will update more as time goes on...

Love;
K&I

Dedication to an Abuser...

When we started
It was love at first sight.
For me at least
You chose to begin with a fight.

When the days grew longer
I was convincing myself to love you.
Even though every day
Your strikes against me grew stronger.

We lived the four seasons
Giving the impression all was great.
No one knew any different
No one knew love was replaced with hate.

We were chameleons
Out of our own skin.
Watching the ones who displayed true love
Despising the lives we were in.

You never knew you were making me stronger
With every hit, punch, push and name.
You thought you were tearing me down
You did not realize it only made me tame.

I became the actress, the pretender
As if what you to me was fine.
I have accepted it as my life
I realize I don't have as much time.

You constructed my every nightmare
An uncertain reality that the emotion hurt is actually love.
I have lived by this theory for to many years
I throw it back to you; all the fear, every time I was scared.

I wash my hands of you and your hate
I clear my mind of your torture.

I am now at peace...

Written By: Kristina Riggs 06/28/2007

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I am feeling so much better...I was really scared I was very sick. I got some antibiotics and I guess knocked out every germ in my body because I feel like a new person now - lol.

I have not heard anything about the promotion yet. But in their defense there are alot of people on vacation because of the holiday. So maybe I will hear something next week. I will keep you posted on that as well.

Well, what they say is true. Time heals all wounds. It seems everyday that goes by it gets a little easier to remember Carol and not cry. Not to feel pain in my heart for her. I know she is ok where she is - I know God is handling the transition calmly for her.

Isaac is doing so very well. He is getting a little "cabin fever" with all this rain he can not go outside and play. It has rained literally 2 weeks straight. We have little breaks of a few hours or maybe even an afternoon, but it always comes back. There are people flooded out of their homes. People have lost their lives from this beast of mother nature. I wish it would let up a bit. I know we need in Texas - but enough is enough.

I can finally say I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying to get some of these damn bills paid off. It seems like all the shit I got myself into when I was younger is catching up to me. Having my own business was a great idea - but up and leaving to come to Texas and not shut it down properly got me into a lot of shit. Every time I pay an attorney or pay a debt payment I think of that bastard and the reason why I had to leave in the first place. I know if I had not left me and my son would not be here today because of his anger but damn am I literally paying for it now. I have to pay off the attorney that represented me in Ohio. I have to pay the rest of a 5 year lease off - ughhh. At least the owner took pity on that one I got a huge discount on that building. Then the trucks...don't even get me started. I still have to pay those off because they all were financed. I have paid off one - still have two to go. I am getting there, but I need to get on it if I want my credit to be right when I look at a house. I want Isaac to have a house - not this damn apartment. But I will not do anything until we are financial stable. I not getting into the same boat again. I get sea sick to easy - lol.

Well, I am cutting this off...I say anymore I will just get pissed again.

Lots of Love;
Kristine

Just Amazing...

I am so sick...I have been sick for days now...I started getting a soar throat Friday night and woke up Saturday morning feeling absolutely awful. I tried to enlist the help of my friends, yeah that was a joke. I had my Meemaw that lives over an hour away and my very good friend downstairs, Amy, to help me. Without them - I would probably be dead by now. Amy got my antibiotics and Meemaw called and checked on me via Isaac because I was either asleep or could not talk. If it were not for those two - I don't know what I would do. Isaac went down with Amy and her daughter for awhile and played so I could have some time to sleep soundly. I still don't know what is wrong with me - I am hoping these antibiotics start working though. I will feel better then in 30 minutes I will feel awful. I need to go to the hospital but I don't want to take Isaac up there with me. This is the time I wish I had more people I could call my friends. Someone I could count on to help me. This is kinda why I hate being single...just for a second though. I tried to go to work today...yeah right. By the time I was thinking about leaving and going to the hospital - I get a call from Isaac's daycare. He was throwing food in the lunchroom and being ugly to his teacher so they wanted me to pick him up for the day. OK, here I come...another time I put off me getting help for someone else. At least this time it was for my kid and not someone else. Trust and believe it will be a long time before I extend a hand of helpfulness to anyone right away. I see how many people checked on me...2. Man, I could have sworn I had more than 2 friends...o-well. Life goes on. I am at the point that I don't even care anymore. The one person I wanted to be with, I can't. And the one friend I want, is to far stuck up her mans ass to give a shit about me. Hmmm, I think I need to reevaluate my life and friendships - whatever they may be. I am really in a shitty mood right now and probably have no business blogging, but I find that is when the truth comes out. When you have no cares of the consequences..and right now I don't. I just can't bring myself to argue with anyone right now...so this is my sounding board once again. Maybe I will get to the hospital some day before my funeral. Maybe, maybe not. I might go on Wednesday, I am off work because of the holiday. If I am no better I will got then...I promise myself I will....

Bored....To Much Time to Think

Well, I am updating...what I don't know yet but I am sure I will figure it out as I go.
My friends funeral is today. It has been a very rough week - but I think it is getting easier. I can talk about her now and not start crying...all the time. I keep picturing her - then it all comes rushing back. I know everyone tells me time will heal all wounds but nothing will ever heal hers and that is hard to accept. I think it is hard for me because I have never had to experience death before. I have never allowed myself to get attached to someone for long enough to miss them if they were gone. But that is changing now - I have been in Texas for several years now and am making friends. Friends that I will miss and will be crushed when they are gone. I have to learn to live in the real world and not this temporary one I have have been in for so long.
Tomorrow is my second interview for the promotion I applied for. I hope I get this position. I am going to try my best to make a very good impression. I know I can do the work - I just need the chance to prove it. I have never really had a job where I enjoyed going to work. Now that I have one all I want to do is excel. I will let you know how it goes.
I have begun building a relationship with my 1/2 brother. He is so far away from me but we have so much to talk about and get caught up on. He has been able to fill in the blanks regarding my biological family.

Well, I will update more later...

Heaven Has Gained Another Angel

Well...pertaining to my previous blog my friend did not make it. The doctors said it looked like a massive heart attack but they will not know for sure until they do an autopsy.

I have realized through all of this that life is short, very short. And you never know when your time is here and when it is over. I will always have good memories and bad memories of her. As all friends do. We had our tiffs but always made up in the end. I guess that is what real friendship is about really - the making up part.

I will not be attending her funeral or wake - I can not do it. I have never been to one and don't plan on it either. The only one I will attend is my own...a little humor for everyone.

A side note for everyone that has sent messages of concern and care - Thank You all. I really do appreciate it. My Meemaw has been a great help in getting in touch with reality through this too. Making me realize I can not be the 'pity me' person I despise so much. Making me realize
I am strong and will make it through this and much much more.

I have been strong for my friends that also knew her. Isaac and his little friend have been playing together and I think it keeps both of their little minds at ease having each other. I am making dinner for them now as a matter of fact, giving her mom {and a very good friend of mine} time to grieve without worrying about her daughter.

I must go for now...I need to feed the beasts - lol...

Love you all;
Kristine

Do all things really happen for a reason?

I am really confused right now and need to write...I don't want anyone to actually hear my thoughts right now...It is crazy when you think all is going great and then BOOM just like that it all falls apart in front of you. I have a friend of mine right now in the hospital fighting for her life - she may or may not win this battle and it hurts me that there is nothing I can do to help her. I am not a religious person and I feel like a hypocrite when I only pray when it is convenient or when I am asking God to spare someone. But, if there was ever a person to spare it would be her right now. There are so many people that count on her and love her every single day. My son and his little friend look to her as the lady that always has treats and a smile. His friend even calls her part of her "family". Isaac is only 8 and she is only 6 - how do you tell them that she is gone? I have not even told Isaac she is in the hospital.

See it started this morning. She went to the pool to start spraying it down and getting it ready to open up for the day. She was singing, laughing, dancing around and just being silly as usual. Me and Isaac went down stairs to start some laundry and talked to her for a while. She was in very good spirits this morning. We came back up and waited for the clothes to get done. When we went back down stairs there were police cars in the parking lot. I had no idea what was going on...I saw my friend Amy down there and asked her what was happening. I knew something was wrong so I sent Isaac to the laundry room to start getting laundry out of the dryer. She tells me that our friend just fell face first to the concrete. Cutting her head open and stopped breathing. She did CPR for a long time until paramedics got here. They also tried CPR and she did not respond. They took her to the hospital and she still was not responding. My God - when I heard all of this I was shocked. I was just talking and laughing with her minutes before hand. I refuse to cry, so does my friend. We can't for our kids you know? But know comes the question how do you tell your kids? What do I tell Isaac? Do I wait until I know how she is - or do I tell him she is sick? My Meemaw says to tell him that God saw her cleaning the pool and said she would be a big help in Heaven cleaning up too - and decided to bring her home. I am 30 years old and have never been to a funeral. I know that sounds crazy - but I refuse to go. If she does not make it - I will not go to hers either. I will remember her dancing, singing and being silly. Isaac has never been to one either and will not attend hers. But then I ask if that is the best for him - he will need closure some how. I need to get in touch with his counselor when I tell him what is happening to get some advise on how to handle it.

It has turned into a waiting game...I will keep you all posted.

Even if you are not a religious person - just ask for a favor for us...We need to keep her around for a little while longer. I know she has something beneficial to add to our world. She just needs the chance to bring it to us.

What a Night!!!
Wow, well I am finally home...I was the designated driver for some friends of mine tonight... Who knew - I can have a good time and not be drunk! No really anyone that knows me knows I don't drink anyway. So, we went out to Bennigan's {there's a free plug for them} I had lobster tails, baked potato and lobster brulee...OMG it was awesome. I have not had lobster in a long time and this was cooked to perfection. She tried my lobster and almost gagged - it was funny. She is not much of a seafood eater I guess...lol - good thing I am. She is a drinker though - the margaritas never stood a chance. I wanted to make sure she would get home ok. That was my main reason in going. I would rather take a few hours out of my night to make sure a friend is ok. I did and I feel better about it. Then after dinner we went to play some pool at Clicks {another shameless plug - lol}. It was getting late by this time so I threw the game so I could get home - ok truth time...she was kicking my ass. Drunk and all and still kicking my butt. I never said I "knew" how to play I said I "liked"to play. There is a difference. So anyway, I got home a little after 12am and went to go get Isaac at the neighbors house...he was still awake and playing!!! That kid is never going to want to get up in the morning...O well, it is the weekend. He is on summer vacation so I guess it is ok this one time. He had a good time and honestly I needed the break from him. I love him but I need some grown up time too. OK so there is my night in a nutshell.

Have a Good Night Everyone!!!

Getting Smoother Every Day...

Finally things are starting to smooth out. Apparently I was on a bit of a tangent. It took some very important people in my life to bring me back to reality. I think I lost my sense of reality for a moment. But I am back - still living by the same ol' thinking of "not censoring what I say, think, feel or do". But I digress...

I have Good News!!! Meemaw is here!!! She has finally decided to come "to town". She can hear the sounds of cars, people walking down the street, no distant gun shots and the occasional fire truck and police car...I laugh because when I go to her home in the country it is soooooo quiet you can hear a dog pee next door...lol. Here in the booming city - you can not even hear someone in the next room. She has been an excellent house guest, I wish she did not have to go home...But, every good thing has to come to and end sometime. She cooked chicken and dumplings last night and I actually got to take left overs to work for lunch. For those of you who know me well enough - I never eat lunch at work because I never remember to take it. Then when I got home tonight - she had made a big ol' ham, green beans and red beans with rolls...I am getting fatter just thinking about getting a second helping...lol. She is a wonderful person. I love her more and more every single day. And not just because she is an awesome cook, lol.

OK, well I had my first interview for the promotion today. An hour long interview that I am still perplexed about now sitting here tonight. They asked me "situational" questions that I have never been asked before in my life. I really had to think before I answered. I am so not used to that. I am used to saying the first thing that comes to my head...which usually ends badly. So maybe because I had to stop and think about these answers this will go well. I have a very good feeling about this promotion. Maybe or maybe not...I will just have to wait and see. I know the feelings I got from the two people interviewing me were very good...will keep you posted as this progresses.

Not alot happening here now. I have had a heart to heart with a few of my friends. I have let them know that I am trying this new thing called "saying no". I can not stretch myself any further. I am taking time away from my son and myself. Not anymore. I am going to have to be very selective but I can say no to some things to get time for my family. I can not keep getting wrapped up in everything else that is going on in everyone elses life. Mine and Isaac's is the only that matters right now. He is doing so well, we need to stay on the right track.

I still have not heard anything from my 1/2 brother. Maybe I really did imagine him being real. Nah, just kidding...I know he is real. I just need to be patient. He will get back when he is ready. It takes alot to find out that you have a sister out of the blue that you have not heard anything from in 30 years. I can only imagine. I have some very good pictures of my family now, and certainly hope to add more.

Well, not alot more to say tonight...Will touch base more later.

Love Kristine

Think Twice - Before You Jump To Conclusions...

OK - so here I am again...trying to clear the air...again...It seems every time I try to make it better I make things worse. This blog is dedicated to 3 people (you know who you are). I would like to introduce you to some place that I like to call my safe haven...



I would also like you to read this...

Our Privacy Policy

Your information is collected only with your knowledge and permission. Your information will not be sold or distributed to other non-profit organizations or for-profit businesses.

StandUp Parenting support groups are not "anonymous" meetings, however we request attendees to adhere to confidentiality -- "What you hear here, stays here."

--------------

Alright, so if you read something in here and there is no name attached to it 9 chances out of 10 it is regarding someone from StandUp and not actually yourself. I am a member of StandUp and pride myself on being a member and will hold the confidentiality of clients in hand. So again, I stress not everything is about you, you or you...

I will not divuldge the names of those I talk about nor actual cities or exact items of interest. I use this blog as a sounding board when there is noone for me to talk to...so as I have always said IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT OR CAN NOT HANDLE IT - DON'T READ IT ANY FURTHER. Because I refuse to sensor my emotions, feelings or thought patterns for anyone.

If you would like to review StandUp or their practices or policies...please feel free to visit the site, call or even come to a meeting...

http://www.standupp.org

Let Me Introduce My Father...

This is the man I have been looking for...Just for 30 yrs or so...This is my father. I have no memory of him - but love him more than ever. It took me 30 yrs and I have found more than I ever thought. I have a brother also. Hoping I will get pictures from him soon also.



He was sexy wasn't he?? LOL...

Don't Cry Little One...

OK, apparently some people got upset over my last blog. So sorry, wipe your eyes it is going to be OK. Just because I write in here and vent my thoughts, does not mean it is all about you. It does not mean that I think, eat and sleep about you. I care gaurantee I don't.

My friend (is literally my best friend), has not been in a good relationship. The thing is I write about one person and someone thinks I write about someone else. Well, what has been the outcome you ask? Because someone feels so insecure and guilty they are willing to improve the relationship they have. Good for them. Good for my friend. I can not stand to see someone I love and cosider them family to be mistreated. So if you think I am talking about you - I actually am not. But if you work on the relationship you have and make it stronger - my work here is done. Thank you. Just keep in mind, my friends and family will come before anyone else. I have enough friends I don't have to pretend like I want more. I say what I think and feel, if you can not handle it then stop reading my fucking blog and then cry to someone else about it.
----------------
Punctured
Stillness punctures the nightReleasing the pressures of the day,And sinking into the stillnessMy body finds rest.
Expression punctures the soulRelieving pent up emotion,And leaning into the expressionMy heart finds peace.
Thought punctures timeRenewing the mind,And in permitting thoughtMy hands find work.
Supple, Saturated,Sandwiched between eternitiesBy the ticking of the timepieceI wait-punctured.
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So get over it and go treat your mate the way they should be treated and we will all feel better. I know I do. So all of you should too. I have wasted enough time and energy on this whole subject. I will write more later...

In the mean time - Don't Cry Little One - it is not worth it...

COMMENTS PLEASE!!!

I HAVE FINALLY FIXED IT (I THINK)
PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS IF YOU ARE READING MY BLOG...
ALL INPUT IS APPRECIATED - AND READ...

My mind is EVERYWHERE tonight...

OK, everyone and anyone who knows me well enough knows that when I get mad I use this blog as my sounding board. So - do not be surprised with anything you read hear tonight. I am so sick and tired of people whining and crying that noone listens, noone pays attention, noone cares. Pity me, Pity me, Pity me is all that comes out of their mouths.

Have people ever stopped to think that maybe they bring their own grief to themselves. Some people LOVE to be the victim. If you chose to be the victim you are and always will be. Why don't they just get off their dead ass and do something about it. If you don't like your current situation - CHANGE IT. Don't sit there and freaking cry about it. No one wants to hear it. I have had to nix so many people from my life because of this and may be doing it again very soon.

In one hand I have a good friend of mine (no names - they know who they are) that is allowing herself to be a victim. So much so that it is consuming her life. Tearing it down as a matter of fact. Tearing apart her children and not only that, I suspect she thinks I am buying the story that all is well and good in her life. It is not. I have been through some shit and can tell when someone else is going through it too. I can not get consumed in it but is hard for me to say "no" to her. I went to do a type of wellness check on her today because I have not heard from her in 2 days. She was curled up on the couch like all is well and good. It was 2:30pm and she was not at work - I did not even want to know why. I just made sure she was still alive and decided at that point I needed to leave. I need to wash my hands of it and at this point be a distant friend.

In the other I have another friend of mine that is in such a suck ass relationship that it is on the verge of abusive and intrusive all in one. Yet they are still together. I can not understand it. No privacy at all. No honesty. No loyalty. Nothing...yet they are still together. For what? Neither of them are happy. They argue all the time over little shit. She does not respect him. He does not respect her.

I have been in a relationship where getting my ass kicked was my day to day living. I was there to be his punching bag. I was tore down mentally, emotionally and physically. But you know what - I finally realized what was best for me and Isaac. It was best to get myself together. If that meant getting on my own then so be it. It is not such a bad thing to be alone. I actually like it. Yeah, I get lonely - so do alot of other people. Yeah, I don't go out and do alot - not everyone does. I stay at home alot because that is where I feel safe. I have spent alot of time making MY safe haven. I have it now, I finally feel safe. After several years of living in fear.

I had a guy that I have liked for a long time today tell me that basically it would not work between us in a relationship because I don't go out and do things. I do go out - I just don't spend top dollar for the things I do. I admit it - I live cheap. But I don't live above my means. I don't want to do things for fun that will make me unable to pay my bills. I go to the dollar movie instead of the new releases. I go to the park instead of the arcades. Big deal, because I don't go spending a ton of money that I can not afford to throw away - I am no good for a relationship. Hmmm, I thought that was a good thing to be financially stable. I guess not. The funny thing is he does not even know that this made me angry - I just blew it off. I will get over it anyway. It does not change how I feel about him. I just know what I can and cannot spend. What that told me was that he does not understand the mental state of abuse recovery. I need to feel secure enough to go out and I don't go out because I don't feel secure enough by myself. It is a total catch 22 I guess. I know what I can and can not handle at this point. Even though it has been years since I left my ex - it will take forever to recover from him. I just need someone to be there for me when I need to talk, cry, vent or just be silent with. I thought I had found the one - maybe I have. Maybe if he knew about my past more maybe he would understand. I don't think I am ready to tell him anything yet. Maybe some other time...like next year...lol.

Well, Meemaw is coming this weekend. I am so excited to see her. I want her to see my apartment and meet my friends. She is going to cook dinner Monday night...Yummy. She is a great cook. I can not even compare. She has taught me everything I know as far as cooking. Isaac is excited too. He has been helping me clean the house for her. I love my Meemaw. I don't know what I would do with out her. She should have been my mother. I feel like her long lost daughter.

Well, I have become a bit long winded - I guess I should cut this off now.

Love;
Kristine

Just to Cute Not to Post!!!

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.