Bored....To Much Time to Think

Well, I am updating...what I don't know yet but I am sure I will figure it out as I go.
My friends funeral is today. It has been a very rough week - but I think it is getting easier. I can talk about her now and not start crying...all the time. I keep picturing her - then it all comes rushing back. I know everyone tells me time will heal all wounds but nothing will ever heal hers and that is hard to accept. I think it is hard for me because I have never had to experience death before. I have never allowed myself to get attached to someone for long enough to miss them if they were gone. But that is changing now - I have been in Texas for several years now and am making friends. Friends that I will miss and will be crushed when they are gone. I have to learn to live in the real world and not this temporary one I have have been in for so long.
Tomorrow is my second interview for the promotion I applied for. I hope I get this position. I am going to try my best to make a very good impression. I know I can do the work - I just need the chance to prove it. I have never really had a job where I enjoyed going to work. Now that I have one all I want to do is excel. I will let you know how it goes.
I have begun building a relationship with my 1/2 brother. He is so far away from me but we have so much to talk about and get caught up on. He has been able to fill in the blanks regarding my biological family.

Well, I will update more later...

Heaven Has Gained Another Angel

Well...pertaining to my previous blog my friend did not make it. The doctors said it looked like a massive heart attack but they will not know for sure until they do an autopsy.

I have realized through all of this that life is short, very short. And you never know when your time is here and when it is over. I will always have good memories and bad memories of her. As all friends do. We had our tiffs but always made up in the end. I guess that is what real friendship is about really - the making up part.

I will not be attending her funeral or wake - I can not do it. I have never been to one and don't plan on it either. The only one I will attend is my own...a little humor for everyone.

A side note for everyone that has sent messages of concern and care - Thank You all. I really do appreciate it. My Meemaw has been a great help in getting in touch with reality through this too. Making me realize I can not be the 'pity me' person I despise so much. Making me realize
I am strong and will make it through this and much much more.

I have been strong for my friends that also knew her. Isaac and his little friend have been playing together and I think it keeps both of their little minds at ease having each other. I am making dinner for them now as a matter of fact, giving her mom {and a very good friend of mine} time to grieve without worrying about her daughter.

I must go for now...I need to feed the beasts - lol...

Love you all;
Kristine

Do all things really happen for a reason?

I am really confused right now and need to write...I don't want anyone to actually hear my thoughts right now...It is crazy when you think all is going great and then BOOM just like that it all falls apart in front of you. I have a friend of mine right now in the hospital fighting for her life - she may or may not win this battle and it hurts me that there is nothing I can do to help her. I am not a religious person and I feel like a hypocrite when I only pray when it is convenient or when I am asking God to spare someone. But, if there was ever a person to spare it would be her right now. There are so many people that count on her and love her every single day. My son and his little friend look to her as the lady that always has treats and a smile. His friend even calls her part of her "family". Isaac is only 8 and she is only 6 - how do you tell them that she is gone? I have not even told Isaac she is in the hospital.

See it started this morning. She went to the pool to start spraying it down and getting it ready to open up for the day. She was singing, laughing, dancing around and just being silly as usual. Me and Isaac went down stairs to start some laundry and talked to her for a while. She was in very good spirits this morning. We came back up and waited for the clothes to get done. When we went back down stairs there were police cars in the parking lot. I had no idea what was going on...I saw my friend Amy down there and asked her what was happening. I knew something was wrong so I sent Isaac to the laundry room to start getting laundry out of the dryer. She tells me that our friend just fell face first to the concrete. Cutting her head open and stopped breathing. She did CPR for a long time until paramedics got here. They also tried CPR and she did not respond. They took her to the hospital and she still was not responding. My God - when I heard all of this I was shocked. I was just talking and laughing with her minutes before hand. I refuse to cry, so does my friend. We can't for our kids you know? But know comes the question how do you tell your kids? What do I tell Isaac? Do I wait until I know how she is - or do I tell him she is sick? My Meemaw says to tell him that God saw her cleaning the pool and said she would be a big help in Heaven cleaning up too - and decided to bring her home. I am 30 years old and have never been to a funeral. I know that sounds crazy - but I refuse to go. If she does not make it - I will not go to hers either. I will remember her dancing, singing and being silly. Isaac has never been to one either and will not attend hers. But then I ask if that is the best for him - he will need closure some how. I need to get in touch with his counselor when I tell him what is happening to get some advise on how to handle it.

It has turned into a waiting game...I will keep you all posted.

Even if you are not a religious person - just ask for a favor for us...We need to keep her around for a little while longer. I know she has something beneficial to add to our world. She just needs the chance to bring it to us.

What a Night!!!
Wow, well I am finally home...I was the designated driver for some friends of mine tonight... Who knew - I can have a good time and not be drunk! No really anyone that knows me knows I don't drink anyway. So, we went out to Bennigan's {there's a free plug for them} I had lobster tails, baked potato and lobster brulee...OMG it was awesome. I have not had lobster in a long time and this was cooked to perfection. She tried my lobster and almost gagged - it was funny. She is not much of a seafood eater I guess...lol - good thing I am. She is a drinker though - the margaritas never stood a chance. I wanted to make sure she would get home ok. That was my main reason in going. I would rather take a few hours out of my night to make sure a friend is ok. I did and I feel better about it. Then after dinner we went to play some pool at Clicks {another shameless plug - lol}. It was getting late by this time so I threw the game so I could get home - ok truth time...she was kicking my ass. Drunk and all and still kicking my butt. I never said I "knew" how to play I said I "liked"to play. There is a difference. So anyway, I got home a little after 12am and went to go get Isaac at the neighbors house...he was still awake and playing!!! That kid is never going to want to get up in the morning...O well, it is the weekend. He is on summer vacation so I guess it is ok this one time. He had a good time and honestly I needed the break from him. I love him but I need some grown up time too. OK so there is my night in a nutshell.

Have a Good Night Everyone!!!

Getting Smoother Every Day...

Finally things are starting to smooth out. Apparently I was on a bit of a tangent. It took some very important people in my life to bring me back to reality. I think I lost my sense of reality for a moment. But I am back - still living by the same ol' thinking of "not censoring what I say, think, feel or do". But I digress...

I have Good News!!! Meemaw is here!!! She has finally decided to come "to town". She can hear the sounds of cars, people walking down the street, no distant gun shots and the occasional fire truck and police car...I laugh because when I go to her home in the country it is soooooo quiet you can hear a dog pee next door...lol. Here in the booming city - you can not even hear someone in the next room. She has been an excellent house guest, I wish she did not have to go home...But, every good thing has to come to and end sometime. She cooked chicken and dumplings last night and I actually got to take left overs to work for lunch. For those of you who know me well enough - I never eat lunch at work because I never remember to take it. Then when I got home tonight - she had made a big ol' ham, green beans and red beans with rolls...I am getting fatter just thinking about getting a second helping...lol. She is a wonderful person. I love her more and more every single day. And not just because she is an awesome cook, lol.

OK, well I had my first interview for the promotion today. An hour long interview that I am still perplexed about now sitting here tonight. They asked me "situational" questions that I have never been asked before in my life. I really had to think before I answered. I am so not used to that. I am used to saying the first thing that comes to my head...which usually ends badly. So maybe because I had to stop and think about these answers this will go well. I have a very good feeling about this promotion. Maybe or maybe not...I will just have to wait and see. I know the feelings I got from the two people interviewing me were very good...will keep you posted as this progresses.

Not alot happening here now. I have had a heart to heart with a few of my friends. I have let them know that I am trying this new thing called "saying no". I can not stretch myself any further. I am taking time away from my son and myself. Not anymore. I am going to have to be very selective but I can say no to some things to get time for my family. I can not keep getting wrapped up in everything else that is going on in everyone elses life. Mine and Isaac's is the only that matters right now. He is doing so well, we need to stay on the right track.

I still have not heard anything from my 1/2 brother. Maybe I really did imagine him being real. Nah, just kidding...I know he is real. I just need to be patient. He will get back when he is ready. It takes alot to find out that you have a sister out of the blue that you have not heard anything from in 30 years. I can only imagine. I have some very good pictures of my family now, and certainly hope to add more.

Well, not alot more to say tonight...Will touch base more later.

Love Kristine

Think Twice - Before You Jump To Conclusions...

OK - so here I am again...trying to clear the air...again...It seems every time I try to make it better I make things worse. This blog is dedicated to 3 people (you know who you are). I would like to introduce you to some place that I like to call my safe haven...



I would also like you to read this...

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StandUp Parenting support groups are not "anonymous" meetings, however we request attendees to adhere to confidentiality -- "What you hear here, stays here."

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Alright, so if you read something in here and there is no name attached to it 9 chances out of 10 it is regarding someone from StandUp and not actually yourself. I am a member of StandUp and pride myself on being a member and will hold the confidentiality of clients in hand. So again, I stress not everything is about you, you or you...

I will not divuldge the names of those I talk about nor actual cities or exact items of interest. I use this blog as a sounding board when there is noone for me to talk to...so as I have always said IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT OR CAN NOT HANDLE IT - DON'T READ IT ANY FURTHER. Because I refuse to sensor my emotions, feelings or thought patterns for anyone.

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Let Me Introduce My Father...

This is the man I have been looking for...Just for 30 yrs or so...This is my father. I have no memory of him - but love him more than ever. It took me 30 yrs and I have found more than I ever thought. I have a brother also. Hoping I will get pictures from him soon also.



He was sexy wasn't he?? LOL...

Don't Cry Little One...

OK, apparently some people got upset over my last blog. So sorry, wipe your eyes it is going to be OK. Just because I write in here and vent my thoughts, does not mean it is all about you. It does not mean that I think, eat and sleep about you. I care gaurantee I don't.

My friend (is literally my best friend), has not been in a good relationship. The thing is I write about one person and someone thinks I write about someone else. Well, what has been the outcome you ask? Because someone feels so insecure and guilty they are willing to improve the relationship they have. Good for them. Good for my friend. I can not stand to see someone I love and cosider them family to be mistreated. So if you think I am talking about you - I actually am not. But if you work on the relationship you have and make it stronger - my work here is done. Thank you. Just keep in mind, my friends and family will come before anyone else. I have enough friends I don't have to pretend like I want more. I say what I think and feel, if you can not handle it then stop reading my fucking blog and then cry to someone else about it.
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Punctured
Stillness punctures the nightReleasing the pressures of the day,And sinking into the stillnessMy body finds rest.
Expression punctures the soulRelieving pent up emotion,And leaning into the expressionMy heart finds peace.
Thought punctures timeRenewing the mind,And in permitting thoughtMy hands find work.
Supple, Saturated,Sandwiched between eternitiesBy the ticking of the timepieceI wait-punctured.
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So get over it and go treat your mate the way they should be treated and we will all feel better. I know I do. So all of you should too. I have wasted enough time and energy on this whole subject. I will write more later...

In the mean time - Don't Cry Little One - it is not worth it...

COMMENTS PLEASE!!!

I HAVE FINALLY FIXED IT (I THINK)
PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS IF YOU ARE READING MY BLOG...
ALL INPUT IS APPRECIATED - AND READ...

My mind is EVERYWHERE tonight...

OK, everyone and anyone who knows me well enough knows that when I get mad I use this blog as my sounding board. So - do not be surprised with anything you read hear tonight. I am so sick and tired of people whining and crying that noone listens, noone pays attention, noone cares. Pity me, Pity me, Pity me is all that comes out of their mouths.

Have people ever stopped to think that maybe they bring their own grief to themselves. Some people LOVE to be the victim. If you chose to be the victim you are and always will be. Why don't they just get off their dead ass and do something about it. If you don't like your current situation - CHANGE IT. Don't sit there and freaking cry about it. No one wants to hear it. I have had to nix so many people from my life because of this and may be doing it again very soon.

In one hand I have a good friend of mine (no names - they know who they are) that is allowing herself to be a victim. So much so that it is consuming her life. Tearing it down as a matter of fact. Tearing apart her children and not only that, I suspect she thinks I am buying the story that all is well and good in her life. It is not. I have been through some shit and can tell when someone else is going through it too. I can not get consumed in it but is hard for me to say "no" to her. I went to do a type of wellness check on her today because I have not heard from her in 2 days. She was curled up on the couch like all is well and good. It was 2:30pm and she was not at work - I did not even want to know why. I just made sure she was still alive and decided at that point I needed to leave. I need to wash my hands of it and at this point be a distant friend.

In the other I have another friend of mine that is in such a suck ass relationship that it is on the verge of abusive and intrusive all in one. Yet they are still together. I can not understand it. No privacy at all. No honesty. No loyalty. Nothing...yet they are still together. For what? Neither of them are happy. They argue all the time over little shit. She does not respect him. He does not respect her.

I have been in a relationship where getting my ass kicked was my day to day living. I was there to be his punching bag. I was tore down mentally, emotionally and physically. But you know what - I finally realized what was best for me and Isaac. It was best to get myself together. If that meant getting on my own then so be it. It is not such a bad thing to be alone. I actually like it. Yeah, I get lonely - so do alot of other people. Yeah, I don't go out and do alot - not everyone does. I stay at home alot because that is where I feel safe. I have spent alot of time making MY safe haven. I have it now, I finally feel safe. After several years of living in fear.

I had a guy that I have liked for a long time today tell me that basically it would not work between us in a relationship because I don't go out and do things. I do go out - I just don't spend top dollar for the things I do. I admit it - I live cheap. But I don't live above my means. I don't want to do things for fun that will make me unable to pay my bills. I go to the dollar movie instead of the new releases. I go to the park instead of the arcades. Big deal, because I don't go spending a ton of money that I can not afford to throw away - I am no good for a relationship. Hmmm, I thought that was a good thing to be financially stable. I guess not. The funny thing is he does not even know that this made me angry - I just blew it off. I will get over it anyway. It does not change how I feel about him. I just know what I can and cannot spend. What that told me was that he does not understand the mental state of abuse recovery. I need to feel secure enough to go out and I don't go out because I don't feel secure enough by myself. It is a total catch 22 I guess. I know what I can and can not handle at this point. Even though it has been years since I left my ex - it will take forever to recover from him. I just need someone to be there for me when I need to talk, cry, vent or just be silent with. I thought I had found the one - maybe I have. Maybe if he knew about my past more maybe he would understand. I don't think I am ready to tell him anything yet. Maybe some other time...like next year...lol.

Well, Meemaw is coming this weekend. I am so excited to see her. I want her to see my apartment and meet my friends. She is going to cook dinner Monday night...Yummy. She is a great cook. I can not even compare. She has taught me everything I know as far as cooking. Isaac is excited too. He has been helping me clean the house for her. I love my Meemaw. I don't know what I would do with out her. She should have been my mother. I feel like her long lost daughter.

Well, I have become a bit long winded - I guess I should cut this off now.

Love;
Kristine

Just to Cute Not to Post!!!

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.

Such a Long Time and Still Nothing New

Well, Isaac is enjoying his summer vaca so far. Monday he went to the movies, Tuesday the pool, Wednesday the Celebration Station, Thursday the pool and Friday roller skating. Wow I got tired just typing all of that...lol. He is in a Christian Academy for Summer fun. He loves it. I am so glad for him. Still have not gotten the pictures developed from graduation - hold tight. They are coming...

Well as far as me. No word on the promotion yet. I wish they would call for an interview time and date. I am excited but every day I don't get called in I get more and more nervous. I have a feeling I may have a chance at it if they just call me in. I already know the system and the material frontwards and backwards. But I am sure alot of other people do also. I will give it my best shot that is for sure. This would be an awesome thing for us. Higher pay, better benefits, vacation for me, insurance for both of us, then I will feel better about alot of things.

I am trying to dig my way out of debt - haha. Seems like it will never happen - I know it will but it just seems crazy to try and sort all this shit out and then look in my checkbook and there is not enough for it all. But, we are doing good now. I am getting caught up, THANK GOD. I want to be in a house by the time Isaac is 10 - I may have to move that to 12. I want him to have his own yard - but I also want to be able to afford it too. I will not get myself into a bad situation where I would lose anything. Not doing that. I am thinking this out very carefully - I am going in the right direction. I have cut back in alot of areas - like shopping every 2 weeks for new clothes or new toys. We do not need that right now - I know that. It is just nice to be able to spend it every once in awhile. But I keep reminding myself of priorities, not amenities.

I wonder if anyone has ever been as alone as I am. Felt as alone as I do. Seen as many late night reruns as I have. I still am not sleeping. I tell people that I am so they don't worry - but I am not. I am worried. Not sure what is wrong with me I go for days with no sleep then just hit rock bottom and sleep hard. I think I am lonely. I really do. I think I need to look into a relationship again, take time for me to be happy. I am happy now - but lonely. Very lonely. They told me
in domestic abuse therapy that when you feel like this you get the urge to go back to the abuser because at least you were with someone instead of being alone. I can honestly say that is not an option. EVER. He did enough to ruin my life and will not allow that anymore. That is why I am scared to get into another relationship, repeat reaction I guess. I need to get passed the fact that all men are not hitters. Some are ok. I can say I have finally had enough. I have been talking to this guy for a while now I have liked him for a while, but I know in my head nothing can happen - but my heart won't listen. He is like the forbidden fruit was to Adam, He ate it and see what happened - lol. I do not want anything bad to happen don't want to lose the people I love - so I have to refrain from ruining what a great thing is happening in my life. Everytime I talk to him I learn a little more about him. And I like everything more and more. But you know how people can have to much past? He has to much of a past...So I regress...Nothing will happen there - I know that and so does he. Does not stop us from talking about what it would be like. But we both know it can never be. Kinda like Romeo and Juliet. But he is no Romeo and I am no Juliet, lol.
So I will stop talking about him and go on...

So anyway - I found out the other day I have a 1/2 brother. Biological 1/2 brother. We have the same father. How awesome is that. He sent an email to my aunt regarding the family tree she has posted on the internet. She forwarded it to me and I responded to him. I have not heard anything yet - so he may or may not respond. I will have to wait and see I guess. It would be awesome to find out more about my father. I know he was a great man - I just know it. I wish he was still here. I think all the evil that has been done to me would have never happened if he were here to protect me. My mother sure did not do any protecting - but a dad...how great would that be?! Noone else could feel the happiness that a dad would bring but me - and I would hold it hostage so noone else could have it. Not even look at it, touch it or even breath the smell of the happiness a dad would be for me. You see there is noone there for people like me - the "throwaways" of life. When the parents get tired of them - they throw them away. That was me - the "throwaway". She turned her back and never turned around again to see if there was even a tear falling from her leaving. She did not care - so why should I care about her? I don't - I just want to ask one question - it should be "why" but I would ask her "how can you sleep at night not knowing if I was dead or alive". She probably slept soundly - she did not care enough to check on me sure she did not care when she high tailed and ran away from me. What amazed me was the fact that she kept the other children. I have a brother and 2 sisters from her. She kept them. Kept them in her life - what the hell did I do so wrong. I was young. What could I have done so awful that made a mother hate her? I will never know, because no matter what my son does - he will never be a "throwaway". I will always love him - no matter what. I still believe to this day - if my dad was here none of this would have happened at all to me. I could blame her - but I don't. I fell sorry for her. She is missing out on her grand kids. She is the one missing out - not me.

Wow - that took alot out of me...More another time.
Love you
K&I

School is OUT!!!

Well we made it through another year...School was out on Friday and Isaac had his graduation. He received several awards and 2 ribbons. He got A Honor Roll, Certificate of Achievement, Reading Award, Most Improved Student and we missed Perfect Attendance this year from the damn pink eye issue. But he did awesome and I am very proud of him. So Isaac will be going to the third grade next year. He is so happy and so am I. We took pictures and so when we get those developed, they will be posted up here as well.

I also have some pretty big news too. I am applying for a promotion that I may actually have a very good chance at obtaining. If I do, we will be just fine income wise. I do want to thank the ones that have supported and helped me along the way - you know who you are...I will keep you posted on the promotion too.

Well, the dating field is kinda dried up on this end. I do not have alot of time to go out there and meet anyone so I am still single. Not a bad thing though - I don't have to answer to anyone, but myself. Someday that will change. Isaac deserves a good dad and I deserve a good mate as well.
Who knows maybe I have already met him and am just scared to actually go for it. Never know.

I have been really trying to get caught up on bills lately. Working overtime and paying alot of stuff off instead of leaving balances hanging to the next month. I have given myself an achievable goal of being in a home in the next 3 to 5 years. I hope I can. I want my credit to be good when I do it though - no high interest rates. I want Isaac to have a dog and me a kitten. I want a fenced in back yard where he can play and run around and for Gods sake - be safe. I worry about him being safe playing here. I always watch him and make sure I know where he is all the time. Meemaw got him some walkie talkies so we know where he is all the time even when he goes to his friends house and to the park. Shoot we even use them in the grocery store. lol.

Well, my friend in doing good now. Tina is the one that was staying here for a week before she got in her apartment. She is doing good now. She is in her place and got some furniture. Her daughter is still running things, but Tina is getting more and more control back. Her daughter will realize that someday. Hopefully sooner than later. I say a little silent prayer for them every night.

OK WELL I AM OUTTA HERE UNTIL LATER DAYS....

Love Ya
K&I