Progress...

Hello everyone. Just thought I would let you in on a little information.

I have been quit for 1 Month, 2 Weeks, 2 Days, 22 hours and 24 minutes (46 days). I have saved $187.73 by not smoking 938 cigarettes. I have saved 3 Days, 6 hours and 10 minutes of my life. My Quit Date: 8/21/2007 9:00 PM

I am really proud of myself. Most of all - you see the little part at the end where it says how many days I have saved off of my life? That is the best part. When I am giving more of me to my kiddo - I love it...He is proud of his mommy too. That makes it all worth it.

Kristine

Our Weekend Vacation...

Well, I finally broke down and went somewhere for a mini vacation...We both deserved it and needed it so bad. Isaac has been doing so well in school and I have been working like a slave in the office overtime every single night, I figured we deserved it. So I saw opportunity to get relaxation and I jumped on it. Meemaw was planning a visit to Gonzales, TX to visit her sick aunt and uncle. She asked if we wanted to go for the ride. I immediately said yes of course. I then started looking up and researching the history behind this town. O my - what history there is. Whenever you have a chance you definitely need to Google it or even go to city site. It is amazing. And being there is even more so. It is about a 5 hour drive and all country. It was so relaxing even Isaac seemed more relaxed lol.

I have included some pictures for you to check out. Hope you enjoy them. Go to my personal MySpace page to see more. I don't know for certain how to put the whole album on here but will put it on MySpace for sure.

Love you guys;
Kristine

I am so Relaxed tonight

It has been almost a week since my last cigarette and I really feel I am done with smoking. I have had a bit or cravings but nothing nearly as bad as I thought it would be like. If I would have known it would be this easy - I would have quit a long time ago, lol.

Well, Isaac had his 1st day in 3rd grade today!!! Yeah! He was so excited, he did really great. He did not get the teacher he wanted but I think he will be just fine. She is an older lady so maybe she won't put up with any crap - lol. He has a very small classroom this year - 16 students in all. That is good at least. Well, I will keep you posted on how this works out through the year.

Well, not alot to update - so I will be signing off now. Just a reminder my birthday is Thursday - I am getting so old...ughh. Thanks to everyone that has already sent birthday wishes my way...

Love you All;
Kristine

FRIENDS SUCK!!! I NEED A REAL MAN...NOT A FRIEND

What the fuck have I done to deserve people walking all over me and treating me like shit?! I take peoples feelings into account in my day to day life. But it seems like the people I surround myself with could give a shit less...
I have one person that is so wishy washy I am convinced she only calls me when she needs something or when she is in trouble. Then I have another one I would give my right arm for and when I need something trivial - they are so much up their companions ass they can do nothing for someone else. You know I am so tired of this bullshit. I miss Amy right now. She is a friend - she could give these people a lesson on how to be a true friend. She is married and still makes time for her true friends as I would for a true friend. But, she is out of town right now and I miss her alot. I have noone to talk to. I made plans with my so-called friend and got a call later Saturday afternoon with her saying she is in Fort Worth! Well, fuck you Kristina - not like you had plans to hang out or something. Then tonight my son is running fever and I was going to take him to the hospital. My "friend" would not help me with $20 to get a prescription because his fucking girlfriend would not let him! I was not trying to make him broke my god - I just did not want to have to go to the bank and take out what little I had before payday. But what the fuck do I know. I thought friends looked out for friends. But, I guess I don't need any. It just goes to show you all I have is my Meemaw and my son. That is proof of it for sure.
I am so mad right now I probably should not even be doing this blog. But screw it why should I keep quiet when noone cares anyway. For those who do care - my sons fever has subsided for now thanks to my Meemaw telling me what to do to break it. If it were not for her we would be in the ER right now. Then my so-called friends would tell me tomorrow "why didn't you tell me".
I will tell you what I need. I need a good man, a good boyfriend. A good boyfriend would have said "Let's take him to the doctor, I will stay with you and make sure he is ok". But, nope don't have that either. I need that though. I am so tired of doing shit alone. Sitting here worrying, crying, feeling alone. I know I have alot to add to a good relationship - but no idea where to find a good guy anymore. I don't go to clubs, bars or party - so how do I socialize enough to meet someone. Not to many guys at the park - and they are probably pedophiles anyway. So, don't want one of them. The guys in my building are all drunks - so don't need them. The guys at my job are like 100 years old - nope not them either...So what do I do? Do I go for the one that likes little kids, drinking to oblivion or about to be stuffed at the taxidermist? Hmmm, the decisions are endless.
OK - well, that is enough of my rants and raves for the moment...Just keep in mind - taking applications for a real man to spend some time with. Apply within.
Love you guys;
Kristine

Time Sure Does Fly

Tonight I did something I have not done in years. I layed down with my son in his bed and just told him stories of when he was a baby. Things he loved to do. Stroking his hair and rubbing his eyebrows, I remembered when he was born and at that moment my Meemaw told me something I have never heard before but will never forget now. "Having children is the hardest pain a person can endure - but the easiest one to forget" I think about that and know it is true. I had Isaac 8 years ago and can not remember any pain of his birth. I remember the hospital, going to labor and the surgery - but no pain. Amazing how one little person can give me so much pain one minute and so much joy for so many long years after the fact. I know for a fact the only reason I am alive right now is because of that little boy. When I found out I was pregnant, I swore to turn it all around and I believe I have. I am stable now and happier than I have been in many years. I can only hope the fears he had before are only distant memories now. I hope I can give him a better life than I had ever dreamed of. My youth sucked that is no secret and I believe if it were not for Isaac - my adulthood would suck too. For this I love him more and more every single day of his life.

Here I am again

Just a quick update about us so far. I have gotten over the whole promotion thing. I realize if it were meant for me to be in that position I would have gotten it. They ended up giving it to an associate that has 20 years of experience. What more could they ask for? At least the best person for the job got it. So I am not sore about it any longer.

Isaac is really doing good on his behavior and listening skills lately. We have both been working on it this week. LOL. Only 2 days into the week, forgot. Oh well, we both have done good for 2 days.

I am working mad overtime at the job and have actually been able to start paying off some more debt. Yeah. Paying bills. I think I am the only one that gets happy about that. One of these days I will be 1/2 way out of debt. Maybe... I will work the overtime as long as they offer it to me. There will be another position coming open soon at the job that I think I will apply for anyway.
Then maybe more overtime will mean more money.

Isaac went to the pool today with his summer camp group. He really likes it there for the most part. Some days are worse than others but when you are 8 and have to wake up at 5 in the morning you can not expect everyday to be great.

Not alot to update - just that we are doing fine and all is well here. I hope it is well for you too.

Love Kristine

Didn't Get It...

Well, for the ones that are interested and have been asking me...NO, I did not get the promotion. What am I going to do? I have no frickin idea...I don't really feel like bloggin right now - I will write more later.

Really Been Slackin'

I have really been behind on my updates...So you are getting them all at once.

I have been in a really shitty mood all day. Not really sure why. But I can just feel it. You know how you can just tell you are not going to have a good day? That was me today. For starters, I was hoping to hear something about the promotion I applied for. Still have not heard anything yet and it is driving me crazy. They said we would hear something by the 15th - well today is the 16th. Ok, maybe they are a little behind - but damn...I am going crazy not knowing. In one hand I think I have a good chance of getting it then in the other I don't think so...Man, I am so confused. Hopefully tomorrow will be the announcement. I am not getting my hopes up to much...Who am I fooling - of course I am. I want this position so bad...But I can not put all my chickies in one basket you know...Ok I am trying to fool myself now - I have so many chickies in one basket it is overflowing...lol

I took Isaac to the pool this weekend - big mistake. Not going to the pool - but staying so long. I am so burnt it hurts to move my arms up and down. Thank God I am not an air traffic controller I would have called off today. I am so sore. I look like a lobster...lol. But we had a blast and that is all that matters.

Well Meemaw has still not been able to move yet. We are still waiting for the information to come through the mail for her. I can not wait. She will be so much happier. She will have all her own stuff back. She started taking those pills to make you quit smoking - man I need some of those. They are already working on here - I know they would work for me too. I don't like her having to do so much and be so far away. I miss her and I know Isaac does to.

Speaking of Isaac. He has been doing good. Very good actually. Kinda mouthy still - but what young man isn't? We are going to start getting his school supplies soon - great further and further in debt again. But, he is worth it. As long as he stays on the honor roll - I am willing to work with him. He has been in the same school going on 4 years. He got the option to go to the Gifted and Talented school again - but does not want to leave his friends - so back to Williams he will go. Oh yeah - I almost forgot, he is wearing deodorant now...lol. he thinks he is all grown up now. He is wearing Tag too, body spray. I guess there is a little girl he likes...lol. Or maybe he realized sweat and little boys does not mix - lol.

Ok, well that is all on us for now...Will update more as time goes on...

Love;
K&I

Dedication to an Abuser...

When we started
It was love at first sight.
For me at least
You chose to begin with a fight.

When the days grew longer
I was convincing myself to love you.
Even though every day
Your strikes against me grew stronger.

We lived the four seasons
Giving the impression all was great.
No one knew any different
No one knew love was replaced with hate.

We were chameleons
Out of our own skin.
Watching the ones who displayed true love
Despising the lives we were in.

You never knew you were making me stronger
With every hit, punch, push and name.
You thought you were tearing me down
You did not realize it only made me tame.

I became the actress, the pretender
As if what you to me was fine.
I have accepted it as my life
I realize I don't have as much time.

You constructed my every nightmare
An uncertain reality that the emotion hurt is actually love.
I have lived by this theory for to many years
I throw it back to you; all the fear, every time I was scared.

I wash my hands of you and your hate
I clear my mind of your torture.

I am now at peace...

Written By: Kristina Riggs 06/28/2007

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I am feeling so much better...I was really scared I was very sick. I got some antibiotics and I guess knocked out every germ in my body because I feel like a new person now - lol.

I have not heard anything about the promotion yet. But in their defense there are alot of people on vacation because of the holiday. So maybe I will hear something next week. I will keep you posted on that as well.

Well, what they say is true. Time heals all wounds. It seems everyday that goes by it gets a little easier to remember Carol and not cry. Not to feel pain in my heart for her. I know she is ok where she is - I know God is handling the transition calmly for her.

Isaac is doing so very well. He is getting a little "cabin fever" with all this rain he can not go outside and play. It has rained literally 2 weeks straight. We have little breaks of a few hours or maybe even an afternoon, but it always comes back. There are people flooded out of their homes. People have lost their lives from this beast of mother nature. I wish it would let up a bit. I know we need in Texas - but enough is enough.

I can finally say I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying to get some of these damn bills paid off. It seems like all the shit I got myself into when I was younger is catching up to me. Having my own business was a great idea - but up and leaving to come to Texas and not shut it down properly got me into a lot of shit. Every time I pay an attorney or pay a debt payment I think of that bastard and the reason why I had to leave in the first place. I know if I had not left me and my son would not be here today because of his anger but damn am I literally paying for it now. I have to pay off the attorney that represented me in Ohio. I have to pay the rest of a 5 year lease off - ughhh. At least the owner took pity on that one I got a huge discount on that building. Then the trucks...don't even get me started. I still have to pay those off because they all were financed. I have paid off one - still have two to go. I am getting there, but I need to get on it if I want my credit to be right when I look at a house. I want Isaac to have a house - not this damn apartment. But I will not do anything until we are financial stable. I not getting into the same boat again. I get sea sick to easy - lol.

Well, I am cutting this off...I say anymore I will just get pissed again.

Lots of Love;
Kristine

Just Amazing...

I am so sick...I have been sick for days now...I started getting a soar throat Friday night and woke up Saturday morning feeling absolutely awful. I tried to enlist the help of my friends, yeah that was a joke. I had my Meemaw that lives over an hour away and my very good friend downstairs, Amy, to help me. Without them - I would probably be dead by now. Amy got my antibiotics and Meemaw called and checked on me via Isaac because I was either asleep or could not talk. If it were not for those two - I don't know what I would do. Isaac went down with Amy and her daughter for awhile and played so I could have some time to sleep soundly. I still don't know what is wrong with me - I am hoping these antibiotics start working though. I will feel better then in 30 minutes I will feel awful. I need to go to the hospital but I don't want to take Isaac up there with me. This is the time I wish I had more people I could call my friends. Someone I could count on to help me. This is kinda why I hate being single...just for a second though. I tried to go to work today...yeah right. By the time I was thinking about leaving and going to the hospital - I get a call from Isaac's daycare. He was throwing food in the lunchroom and being ugly to his teacher so they wanted me to pick him up for the day. OK, here I come...another time I put off me getting help for someone else. At least this time it was for my kid and not someone else. Trust and believe it will be a long time before I extend a hand of helpfulness to anyone right away. I see how many people checked on me...2. Man, I could have sworn I had more than 2 friends...o-well. Life goes on. I am at the point that I don't even care anymore. The one person I wanted to be with, I can't. And the one friend I want, is to far stuck up her mans ass to give a shit about me. Hmmm, I think I need to reevaluate my life and friendships - whatever they may be. I am really in a shitty mood right now and probably have no business blogging, but I find that is when the truth comes out. When you have no cares of the consequences..and right now I don't. I just can't bring myself to argue with anyone right now...so this is my sounding board once again. Maybe I will get to the hospital some day before my funeral. Maybe, maybe not. I might go on Wednesday, I am off work because of the holiday. If I am no better I will got then...I promise myself I will....

Bored....To Much Time to Think

Well, I am updating...what I don't know yet but I am sure I will figure it out as I go.
My friends funeral is today. It has been a very rough week - but I think it is getting easier. I can talk about her now and not start crying...all the time. I keep picturing her - then it all comes rushing back. I know everyone tells me time will heal all wounds but nothing will ever heal hers and that is hard to accept. I think it is hard for me because I have never had to experience death before. I have never allowed myself to get attached to someone for long enough to miss them if they were gone. But that is changing now - I have been in Texas for several years now and am making friends. Friends that I will miss and will be crushed when they are gone. I have to learn to live in the real world and not this temporary one I have have been in for so long.
Tomorrow is my second interview for the promotion I applied for. I hope I get this position. I am going to try my best to make a very good impression. I know I can do the work - I just need the chance to prove it. I have never really had a job where I enjoyed going to work. Now that I have one all I want to do is excel. I will let you know how it goes.
I have begun building a relationship with my 1/2 brother. He is so far away from me but we have so much to talk about and get caught up on. He has been able to fill in the blanks regarding my biological family.

Well, I will update more later...

Heaven Has Gained Another Angel

Well...pertaining to my previous blog my friend did not make it. The doctors said it looked like a massive heart attack but they will not know for sure until they do an autopsy.

I have realized through all of this that life is short, very short. And you never know when your time is here and when it is over. I will always have good memories and bad memories of her. As all friends do. We had our tiffs but always made up in the end. I guess that is what real friendship is about really - the making up part.

I will not be attending her funeral or wake - I can not do it. I have never been to one and don't plan on it either. The only one I will attend is my own...a little humor for everyone.

A side note for everyone that has sent messages of concern and care - Thank You all. I really do appreciate it. My Meemaw has been a great help in getting in touch with reality through this too. Making me realize I can not be the 'pity me' person I despise so much. Making me realize
I am strong and will make it through this and much much more.

I have been strong for my friends that also knew her. Isaac and his little friend have been playing together and I think it keeps both of their little minds at ease having each other. I am making dinner for them now as a matter of fact, giving her mom {and a very good friend of mine} time to grieve without worrying about her daughter.

I must go for now...I need to feed the beasts - lol...

Love you all;
Kristine

Do all things really happen for a reason?

I am really confused right now and need to write...I don't want anyone to actually hear my thoughts right now...It is crazy when you think all is going great and then BOOM just like that it all falls apart in front of you. I have a friend of mine right now in the hospital fighting for her life - she may or may not win this battle and it hurts me that there is nothing I can do to help her. I am not a religious person and I feel like a hypocrite when I only pray when it is convenient or when I am asking God to spare someone. But, if there was ever a person to spare it would be her right now. There are so many people that count on her and love her every single day. My son and his little friend look to her as the lady that always has treats and a smile. His friend even calls her part of her "family". Isaac is only 8 and she is only 6 - how do you tell them that she is gone? I have not even told Isaac she is in the hospital.

See it started this morning. She went to the pool to start spraying it down and getting it ready to open up for the day. She was singing, laughing, dancing around and just being silly as usual. Me and Isaac went down stairs to start some laundry and talked to her for a while. She was in very good spirits this morning. We came back up and waited for the clothes to get done. When we went back down stairs there were police cars in the parking lot. I had no idea what was going on...I saw my friend Amy down there and asked her what was happening. I knew something was wrong so I sent Isaac to the laundry room to start getting laundry out of the dryer. She tells me that our friend just fell face first to the concrete. Cutting her head open and stopped breathing. She did CPR for a long time until paramedics got here. They also tried CPR and she did not respond. They took her to the hospital and she still was not responding. My God - when I heard all of this I was shocked. I was just talking and laughing with her minutes before hand. I refuse to cry, so does my friend. We can't for our kids you know? But know comes the question how do you tell your kids? What do I tell Isaac? Do I wait until I know how she is - or do I tell him she is sick? My Meemaw says to tell him that God saw her cleaning the pool and said she would be a big help in Heaven cleaning up too - and decided to bring her home. I am 30 years old and have never been to a funeral. I know that sounds crazy - but I refuse to go. If she does not make it - I will not go to hers either. I will remember her dancing, singing and being silly. Isaac has never been to one either and will not attend hers. But then I ask if that is the best for him - he will need closure some how. I need to get in touch with his counselor when I tell him what is happening to get some advise on how to handle it.

It has turned into a waiting game...I will keep you all posted.

Even if you are not a religious person - just ask for a favor for us...We need to keep her around for a little while longer. I know she has something beneficial to add to our world. She just needs the chance to bring it to us.

What a Night!!!
Wow, well I am finally home...I was the designated driver for some friends of mine tonight... Who knew - I can have a good time and not be drunk! No really anyone that knows me knows I don't drink anyway. So, we went out to Bennigan's {there's a free plug for them} I had lobster tails, baked potato and lobster brulee...OMG it was awesome. I have not had lobster in a long time and this was cooked to perfection. She tried my lobster and almost gagged - it was funny. She is not much of a seafood eater I guess...lol - good thing I am. She is a drinker though - the margaritas never stood a chance. I wanted to make sure she would get home ok. That was my main reason in going. I would rather take a few hours out of my night to make sure a friend is ok. I did and I feel better about it. Then after dinner we went to play some pool at Clicks {another shameless plug - lol}. It was getting late by this time so I threw the game so I could get home - ok truth time...she was kicking my ass. Drunk and all and still kicking my butt. I never said I "knew" how to play I said I "liked"to play. There is a difference. So anyway, I got home a little after 12am and went to go get Isaac at the neighbors house...he was still awake and playing!!! That kid is never going to want to get up in the morning...O well, it is the weekend. He is on summer vacation so I guess it is ok this one time. He had a good time and honestly I needed the break from him. I love him but I need some grown up time too. OK so there is my night in a nutshell.

Have a Good Night Everyone!!!

Getting Smoother Every Day...

Finally things are starting to smooth out. Apparently I was on a bit of a tangent. It took some very important people in my life to bring me back to reality. I think I lost my sense of reality for a moment. But I am back - still living by the same ol' thinking of "not censoring what I say, think, feel or do". But I digress...

I have Good News!!! Meemaw is here!!! She has finally decided to come "to town". She can hear the sounds of cars, people walking down the street, no distant gun shots and the occasional fire truck and police car...I laugh because when I go to her home in the country it is soooooo quiet you can hear a dog pee next door...lol. Here in the booming city - you can not even hear someone in the next room. She has been an excellent house guest, I wish she did not have to go home...But, every good thing has to come to and end sometime. She cooked chicken and dumplings last night and I actually got to take left overs to work for lunch. For those of you who know me well enough - I never eat lunch at work because I never remember to take it. Then when I got home tonight - she had made a big ol' ham, green beans and red beans with rolls...I am getting fatter just thinking about getting a second helping...lol. She is a wonderful person. I love her more and more every single day. And not just because she is an awesome cook, lol.

OK, well I had my first interview for the promotion today. An hour long interview that I am still perplexed about now sitting here tonight. They asked me "situational" questions that I have never been asked before in my life. I really had to think before I answered. I am so not used to that. I am used to saying the first thing that comes to my head...which usually ends badly. So maybe because I had to stop and think about these answers this will go well. I have a very good feeling about this promotion. Maybe or maybe not...I will just have to wait and see. I know the feelings I got from the two people interviewing me were very good...will keep you posted as this progresses.

Not alot happening here now. I have had a heart to heart with a few of my friends. I have let them know that I am trying this new thing called "saying no". I can not stretch myself any further. I am taking time away from my son and myself. Not anymore. I am going to have to be very selective but I can say no to some things to get time for my family. I can not keep getting wrapped up in everything else that is going on in everyone elses life. Mine and Isaac's is the only that matters right now. He is doing so well, we need to stay on the right track.

I still have not heard anything from my 1/2 brother. Maybe I really did imagine him being real. Nah, just kidding...I know he is real. I just need to be patient. He will get back when he is ready. It takes alot to find out that you have a sister out of the blue that you have not heard anything from in 30 years. I can only imagine. I have some very good pictures of my family now, and certainly hope to add more.

Well, not alot more to say tonight...Will touch base more later.

Love Kristine

Think Twice - Before You Jump To Conclusions...

OK - so here I am again...trying to clear the air...again...It seems every time I try to make it better I make things worse. This blog is dedicated to 3 people (you know who you are). I would like to introduce you to some place that I like to call my safe haven...



I would also like you to read this...

Our Privacy Policy

Your information is collected only with your knowledge and permission. Your information will not be sold or distributed to other non-profit organizations or for-profit businesses.

StandUp Parenting support groups are not "anonymous" meetings, however we request attendees to adhere to confidentiality -- "What you hear here, stays here."

--------------

Alright, so if you read something in here and there is no name attached to it 9 chances out of 10 it is regarding someone from StandUp and not actually yourself. I am a member of StandUp and pride myself on being a member and will hold the confidentiality of clients in hand. So again, I stress not everything is about you, you or you...

I will not divuldge the names of those I talk about nor actual cities or exact items of interest. I use this blog as a sounding board when there is noone for me to talk to...so as I have always said IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT OR CAN NOT HANDLE IT - DON'T READ IT ANY FURTHER. Because I refuse to sensor my emotions, feelings or thought patterns for anyone.

If you would like to review StandUp or their practices or policies...please feel free to visit the site, call or even come to a meeting...

http://www.standupp.org

Let Me Introduce My Father...

This is the man I have been looking for...Just for 30 yrs or so...This is my father. I have no memory of him - but love him more than ever. It took me 30 yrs and I have found more than I ever thought. I have a brother also. Hoping I will get pictures from him soon also.



He was sexy wasn't he?? LOL...

Don't Cry Little One...

OK, apparently some people got upset over my last blog. So sorry, wipe your eyes it is going to be OK. Just because I write in here and vent my thoughts, does not mean it is all about you. It does not mean that I think, eat and sleep about you. I care gaurantee I don't.

My friend (is literally my best friend), has not been in a good relationship. The thing is I write about one person and someone thinks I write about someone else. Well, what has been the outcome you ask? Because someone feels so insecure and guilty they are willing to improve the relationship they have. Good for them. Good for my friend. I can not stand to see someone I love and cosider them family to be mistreated. So if you think I am talking about you - I actually am not. But if you work on the relationship you have and make it stronger - my work here is done. Thank you. Just keep in mind, my friends and family will come before anyone else. I have enough friends I don't have to pretend like I want more. I say what I think and feel, if you can not handle it then stop reading my fucking blog and then cry to someone else about it.
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Punctured
Stillness punctures the nightReleasing the pressures of the day,And sinking into the stillnessMy body finds rest.
Expression punctures the soulRelieving pent up emotion,And leaning into the expressionMy heart finds peace.
Thought punctures timeRenewing the mind,And in permitting thoughtMy hands find work.
Supple, Saturated,Sandwiched between eternitiesBy the ticking of the timepieceI wait-punctured.
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So get over it and go treat your mate the way they should be treated and we will all feel better. I know I do. So all of you should too. I have wasted enough time and energy on this whole subject. I will write more later...

In the mean time - Don't Cry Little One - it is not worth it...

COMMENTS PLEASE!!!

I HAVE FINALLY FIXED IT (I THINK)
PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS IF YOU ARE READING MY BLOG...
ALL INPUT IS APPRECIATED - AND READ...

My mind is EVERYWHERE tonight...

OK, everyone and anyone who knows me well enough knows that when I get mad I use this blog as my sounding board. So - do not be surprised with anything you read hear tonight. I am so sick and tired of people whining and crying that noone listens, noone pays attention, noone cares. Pity me, Pity me, Pity me is all that comes out of their mouths.

Have people ever stopped to think that maybe they bring their own grief to themselves. Some people LOVE to be the victim. If you chose to be the victim you are and always will be. Why don't they just get off their dead ass and do something about it. If you don't like your current situation - CHANGE IT. Don't sit there and freaking cry about it. No one wants to hear it. I have had to nix so many people from my life because of this and may be doing it again very soon.

In one hand I have a good friend of mine (no names - they know who they are) that is allowing herself to be a victim. So much so that it is consuming her life. Tearing it down as a matter of fact. Tearing apart her children and not only that, I suspect she thinks I am buying the story that all is well and good in her life. It is not. I have been through some shit and can tell when someone else is going through it too. I can not get consumed in it but is hard for me to say "no" to her. I went to do a type of wellness check on her today because I have not heard from her in 2 days. She was curled up on the couch like all is well and good. It was 2:30pm and she was not at work - I did not even want to know why. I just made sure she was still alive and decided at that point I needed to leave. I need to wash my hands of it and at this point be a distant friend.

In the other I have another friend of mine that is in such a suck ass relationship that it is on the verge of abusive and intrusive all in one. Yet they are still together. I can not understand it. No privacy at all. No honesty. No loyalty. Nothing...yet they are still together. For what? Neither of them are happy. They argue all the time over little shit. She does not respect him. He does not respect her.

I have been in a relationship where getting my ass kicked was my day to day living. I was there to be his punching bag. I was tore down mentally, emotionally and physically. But you know what - I finally realized what was best for me and Isaac. It was best to get myself together. If that meant getting on my own then so be it. It is not such a bad thing to be alone. I actually like it. Yeah, I get lonely - so do alot of other people. Yeah, I don't go out and do alot - not everyone does. I stay at home alot because that is where I feel safe. I have spent alot of time making MY safe haven. I have it now, I finally feel safe. After several years of living in fear.

I had a guy that I have liked for a long time today tell me that basically it would not work between us in a relationship because I don't go out and do things. I do go out - I just don't spend top dollar for the things I do. I admit it - I live cheap. But I don't live above my means. I don't want to do things for fun that will make me unable to pay my bills. I go to the dollar movie instead of the new releases. I go to the park instead of the arcades. Big deal, because I don't go spending a ton of money that I can not afford to throw away - I am no good for a relationship. Hmmm, I thought that was a good thing to be financially stable. I guess not. The funny thing is he does not even know that this made me angry - I just blew it off. I will get over it anyway. It does not change how I feel about him. I just know what I can and cannot spend. What that told me was that he does not understand the mental state of abuse recovery. I need to feel secure enough to go out and I don't go out because I don't feel secure enough by myself. It is a total catch 22 I guess. I know what I can and can not handle at this point. Even though it has been years since I left my ex - it will take forever to recover from him. I just need someone to be there for me when I need to talk, cry, vent or just be silent with. I thought I had found the one - maybe I have. Maybe if he knew about my past more maybe he would understand. I don't think I am ready to tell him anything yet. Maybe some other time...like next year...lol.

Well, Meemaw is coming this weekend. I am so excited to see her. I want her to see my apartment and meet my friends. She is going to cook dinner Monday night...Yummy. She is a great cook. I can not even compare. She has taught me everything I know as far as cooking. Isaac is excited too. He has been helping me clean the house for her. I love my Meemaw. I don't know what I would do with out her. She should have been my mother. I feel like her long lost daughter.

Well, I have become a bit long winded - I guess I should cut this off now.

Love;
Kristine

Just to Cute Not to Post!!!

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool.

Such a Long Time and Still Nothing New

Well, Isaac is enjoying his summer vaca so far. Monday he went to the movies, Tuesday the pool, Wednesday the Celebration Station, Thursday the pool and Friday roller skating. Wow I got tired just typing all of that...lol. He is in a Christian Academy for Summer fun. He loves it. I am so glad for him. Still have not gotten the pictures developed from graduation - hold tight. They are coming...

Well as far as me. No word on the promotion yet. I wish they would call for an interview time and date. I am excited but every day I don't get called in I get more and more nervous. I have a feeling I may have a chance at it if they just call me in. I already know the system and the material frontwards and backwards. But I am sure alot of other people do also. I will give it my best shot that is for sure. This would be an awesome thing for us. Higher pay, better benefits, vacation for me, insurance for both of us, then I will feel better about alot of things.

I am trying to dig my way out of debt - haha. Seems like it will never happen - I know it will but it just seems crazy to try and sort all this shit out and then look in my checkbook and there is not enough for it all. But, we are doing good now. I am getting caught up, THANK GOD. I want to be in a house by the time Isaac is 10 - I may have to move that to 12. I want him to have his own yard - but I also want to be able to afford it too. I will not get myself into a bad situation where I would lose anything. Not doing that. I am thinking this out very carefully - I am going in the right direction. I have cut back in alot of areas - like shopping every 2 weeks for new clothes or new toys. We do not need that right now - I know that. It is just nice to be able to spend it every once in awhile. But I keep reminding myself of priorities, not amenities.

I wonder if anyone has ever been as alone as I am. Felt as alone as I do. Seen as many late night reruns as I have. I still am not sleeping. I tell people that I am so they don't worry - but I am not. I am worried. Not sure what is wrong with me I go for days with no sleep then just hit rock bottom and sleep hard. I think I am lonely. I really do. I think I need to look into a relationship again, take time for me to be happy. I am happy now - but lonely. Very lonely. They told me
in domestic abuse therapy that when you feel like this you get the urge to go back to the abuser because at least you were with someone instead of being alone. I can honestly say that is not an option. EVER. He did enough to ruin my life and will not allow that anymore. That is why I am scared to get into another relationship, repeat reaction I guess. I need to get passed the fact that all men are not hitters. Some are ok. I can say I have finally had enough. I have been talking to this guy for a while now I have liked him for a while, but I know in my head nothing can happen - but my heart won't listen. He is like the forbidden fruit was to Adam, He ate it and see what happened - lol. I do not want anything bad to happen don't want to lose the people I love - so I have to refrain from ruining what a great thing is happening in my life. Everytime I talk to him I learn a little more about him. And I like everything more and more. But you know how people can have to much past? He has to much of a past...So I regress...Nothing will happen there - I know that and so does he. Does not stop us from talking about what it would be like. But we both know it can never be. Kinda like Romeo and Juliet. But he is no Romeo and I am no Juliet, lol.
So I will stop talking about him and go on...

So anyway - I found out the other day I have a 1/2 brother. Biological 1/2 brother. We have the same father. How awesome is that. He sent an email to my aunt regarding the family tree she has posted on the internet. She forwarded it to me and I responded to him. I have not heard anything yet - so he may or may not respond. I will have to wait and see I guess. It would be awesome to find out more about my father. I know he was a great man - I just know it. I wish he was still here. I think all the evil that has been done to me would have never happened if he were here to protect me. My mother sure did not do any protecting - but a dad...how great would that be?! Noone else could feel the happiness that a dad would bring but me - and I would hold it hostage so noone else could have it. Not even look at it, touch it or even breath the smell of the happiness a dad would be for me. You see there is noone there for people like me - the "throwaways" of life. When the parents get tired of them - they throw them away. That was me - the "throwaway". She turned her back and never turned around again to see if there was even a tear falling from her leaving. She did not care - so why should I care about her? I don't - I just want to ask one question - it should be "why" but I would ask her "how can you sleep at night not knowing if I was dead or alive". She probably slept soundly - she did not care enough to check on me sure she did not care when she high tailed and ran away from me. What amazed me was the fact that she kept the other children. I have a brother and 2 sisters from her. She kept them. Kept them in her life - what the hell did I do so wrong. I was young. What could I have done so awful that made a mother hate her? I will never know, because no matter what my son does - he will never be a "throwaway". I will always love him - no matter what. I still believe to this day - if my dad was here none of this would have happened at all to me. I could blame her - but I don't. I fell sorry for her. She is missing out on her grand kids. She is the one missing out - not me.

Wow - that took alot out of me...More another time.
Love you
K&I

School is OUT!!!

Well we made it through another year...School was out on Friday and Isaac had his graduation. He received several awards and 2 ribbons. He got A Honor Roll, Certificate of Achievement, Reading Award, Most Improved Student and we missed Perfect Attendance this year from the damn pink eye issue. But he did awesome and I am very proud of him. So Isaac will be going to the third grade next year. He is so happy and so am I. We took pictures and so when we get those developed, they will be posted up here as well.

I also have some pretty big news too. I am applying for a promotion that I may actually have a very good chance at obtaining. If I do, we will be just fine income wise. I do want to thank the ones that have supported and helped me along the way - you know who you are...I will keep you posted on the promotion too.

Well, the dating field is kinda dried up on this end. I do not have alot of time to go out there and meet anyone so I am still single. Not a bad thing though - I don't have to answer to anyone, but myself. Someday that will change. Isaac deserves a good dad and I deserve a good mate as well.
Who knows maybe I have already met him and am just scared to actually go for it. Never know.

I have been really trying to get caught up on bills lately. Working overtime and paying alot of stuff off instead of leaving balances hanging to the next month. I have given myself an achievable goal of being in a home in the next 3 to 5 years. I hope I can. I want my credit to be good when I do it though - no high interest rates. I want Isaac to have a dog and me a kitten. I want a fenced in back yard where he can play and run around and for Gods sake - be safe. I worry about him being safe playing here. I always watch him and make sure I know where he is all the time. Meemaw got him some walkie talkies so we know where he is all the time even when he goes to his friends house and to the park. Shoot we even use them in the grocery store. lol.

Well, my friend in doing good now. Tina is the one that was staying here for a week before she got in her apartment. She is doing good now. She is in her place and got some furniture. Her daughter is still running things, but Tina is getting more and more control back. Her daughter will realize that someday. Hopefully sooner than later. I say a little silent prayer for them every night.

OK WELL I AM OUTTA HERE UNTIL LATER DAYS....

Love Ya
K&I

Get More At YourSpaceCorner.Com

Well, What a Week

Wow - I survived the week and already started on a new one. My partner was on vacation all week and I had the whole thing to myself - OMG it was awful...Things went wrong, reports were wrong, reports were late - OMG it was terrible. But you know what - I am still here and still have a job. I went back in today and all was fine. They were actually very happy with my work while she was gone. No promotion in site - but they were happy with it at least, and I guess sooner or later I will be recognized for a job well done.

Isaac is doing great - he was announced Student of the Week this week for last week. So he gets to be the leader and gets to do all the cool stuff this week. He is very excited - and I am for him too. He is doing so well on his behavior - I am so proud of him. I make sure he knows it every single day. Even though his dad does not give a shit - I do.

I can not even remember the last time he called Isaac - probably does not matter a whole lot anyway - I think he is doing better with out him around. He is not as angry or bitter to others like he was when Shion was speaking to him. So maybe the lapse in memory of the fact that he does have a son is a good thing after all. I am tired of sending update e-mails to him and his family. They never respond. Christ the last time his grand mother called - he screamed into the phone "I don't want to talk to her" and hung up - so yeah in a nutshell - I think he is ok. At least he knows who loves him and who really does not give a shit. As a matter of fact I think it was pretty cool the other day out of the blue he asked me - What is Meemaw to me? I said "Well honey she is the closest thing to a grandma that you will ever have" - his response was "Cool, I have a Grandma and she lives in Waxahachie" With the biggest smile on his face - I know he knows in his heart who loves him and does not. Now be clear of this fact - I will never and have never spoken ill to him about his father or his fathers side of the family - I guess the sheer ignoring of his presence is a dead give away. He may be 8 - but not dumb by any means. The last time he called his father was on his birthday - after he waited for Christmas presents that never came, then waited for birthday presents that never came - his father said he would call him right back. We have now been waiting 3 1/2 months - still no call....Apparently that phone have been down - lol...

Well that's all folks...See ya Later
Have a Great weekend...

Lots of Love;

K&I

Happy Mothers Day!!!

Well, It is Mothers Day and I am awake at 3:45 in the morning. What a shocker huh? I was so tired earlier I could not even hardly take it - now I am wide awake. Go figure.

Well, I had house guests from hell this week. My friend and her daughter came to stay with me for the week until they could get their own apartment. Well, the daughter was so mouthy and disrespectful to her mother I am surprised she did not just smack her in the mouth. I would have. She ran away 3 times and was out until 5am all in a week, not counting the several arguments they had and fighting with each other. it was chaos here. But they are in their own apartment now and I have my peace of mind back. I feel bad for the mom - but I need to worry about me and Isaac and stop worrying about everyone else too.

Well, Isaac was out of school Wed, Thur, Fri - he had pink eye. We were really worried about his eye sight - it was real blurry and his left would not dilate. But the antibiotics they had me put in his eyes are working now so he is doing much better. It was crazy having him home and he really was not sick - just contagious. He felt fine - just had the pink eye. It is weird with him when he is sick - he does not get just the sickness. It takes complete control of him. It seems like he can get the basic flu and it turns into a serious illness or he gets pink eye and we worry he may lose sight in his eye. He never gets just a basic good ol cold. He is always the worst case scenario.

Well, not alot to update - so I am going to bed now.

Too Tired to Bother...

Well, for starters - I am exhausted!!! I have not been sleeping...again.

My friend needed to find an apartment so we have been looking all week and finally found one. They will be moving in this weekend. Fresh start to a family that deserves it.

So anyway, my job is sucking more and more everyday. I loathe going to work now - but I know I have to just to survive. I need to take care of my son and provide for my household. Sometimes it is just so hard. I just feel like I am too tired to even care anymore. I feel like I am getting depressed and I do not need that anymore. I know I will pick my head up off the pillow and trudge on but it is soooo hard. Sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to cope anymore. I need to - but need the mental strength to do it and I need to find it again and implement it.

I just needed to vent - thank you for listening (reading rather) - I will blog later...

Just Rambling...

First of all let me begin by saying I think my sleepless nights are due to something else besides worrying. I have always been a worrier so I can't imagine now all of a sudden it would cause me to lose sleep. Anyway I have been giving these sleeping pills a try. The first night not a whole lot of luck with them. However last night I did go to sleep about 10 or 11. Only 2-3 hours after I took one. So I guess it is getting better. I don't know anymore. I can tell my attitude sucks - I am snapping at people that don't deserve it, I am not myself and I know it. Something is wrong and I don't know what the hell it is - or I would fix it because it is driving me INSANE.

We had a hell of a storm last night - my Meemaw got hit really bad. We were preparing for a tornado and I was just told that one did touch down near Meemaw. Thank God it did not hit her. I would lose my frigging mind. We were without power for about 1 1/2 hours. I was more worried about my son and my fish than myself - but what else is new.

I am really sore right now I just cleaned Isaac's entire room from top to bottom. There is only so much crap I stand to be dirty before it HAS to be cleaned. And his room had to be cleaned. Well, he is an 8 yr old boy so what do you expect right? lol

Well as far as work - it has not slowed down like I thought it would. It has been crazy busy. I have been working late every single night. The overtime looks real good - but my mind is mush after 10 hours of computers. I am really hoping that I get a promotion out of all this work - if I don't, I don't know what I will do. Then I will feel like I did it all for nothing but to make it easier for someone else to do their job. That would suck.

OK well, I am signing off - I really am sleepy but I know as soon as I go to bed - I will be wide awake...

Kristine

Phobias...Fears and the Unexplainable things we {I} worry about...

I have been the star of the movie "Sleepless in Garland" for the past 2 weeks. I go to bed with the intentions of going to sleep but just can't. I turn off the TV, close the blinds, turn over and over and try to sleep but it never fails I am awake until about 2 or 3 then back up at 5 to go to work. I can not handle it anymore...I need to do something!

I have talked to Meemaw and she said it might be something that is worrying me and I don't even know it is worrying me. So I decided I am going to put everything down here that worries me so that I can sleep tonight "hopefully".

• Money: maybe I won't have enough to pay the bills so that we can live comfortably
• Love: I am tired of being alone, I want and need a companion I can share thoughts with
• I can not go to the bathroom with the light off - fear of a snake being in the toilet
• I now have a mouse in the house - I am afraid it will venture into my room
• I am afraid in storms that the lights will go out, alarm clock will reset and I will be late
• I have no alarm system - what if someone breaks in and I am alone?
• What if someone tries to steal my car and I am to dead asleep I can not hear them
• What if one of my fish tanks springs a leak and I don't know until it is empty
• If it rains will my roof leak and ruin my carpet {it has happened before}
• What if they forget to direct deposit my check into my checking account and I don't have any money
• What do I do if my car won't start in the morning

These are just a few...now I have taken a sleeping pill let's see how it works...I will let u know in the morning...

GOOD NIGHT SLEEP WELL - I WILL TRY...

I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!

I was watching a show on TLC last night about people who weigh over 500 pounds. I saw the trouble these people have health wise and they still eat. I saw myself in them and I need a change if I am going to be alive to see Isaac down the Graduation aisle.

I have researched other people, here is one man I think every one needs to know about.



SIOUX FALLS, S.D. - A man who once weighed more than half a ton has lost 321 pounds under the care of a team of doctors and hopes to lose 450 pounds more.

Patrick Deuel, 42, of Valentine, Neb., weighed 1,072 pounds when he was admitted to Sioux Falls’ Avera McKennan Hospital eight weeks ago. Deuel, who is just under 6 feet tall, is on a 1,200 calorie-a-day diet.

“If we hadn’t gotten him here, he’d be dead now,” said Fred Harris, Deuel’s lead doctor.
--------------------
I could not believe my eyes. So I am making a change. I know alot of people say they are changing things and don't. Well, I am.

Today, I ate a bagel for breakfast and banana for snack. One hot pocket for lunch and a banana for snack. Only one and a half cups of coffee compared to my usual 4 or 5. A small bowl of spaghetti for dinner. I actually drank WATER today. Anyone that knows me knows I hate water, But I drank it today.

The most surprising was when I got off work. I brought my car home and parked it. Then I walked to Isaac's daycare and we both walked home!!!

I will keep you all posted on my progress.

Love;
K&I

How Petty Can One Person Be?

Let me tell you a story in case you have not already heard it on the news.

There was a gas main break right across the street from my sons daycare on Tuesday at 12:30pm. For safety concerns they evacuated the daycare and moved the children to a rec center. That was fine with me - IF THEY WOULD HAVE CALLED ME AND LET ME KNOW!!!

I was at work until 4pm and when I went to pick my son up there were fire trucks and police cars everywhere. I went into the daycare and then found out what happened. I asked them why I was not called - they told me they have been trying to call all the parents. Yeah right. There were 57 children evacuated and alot of them are siblings so you only have to contact one set of parents for them. So they did not have to contact 57 sets of parents. It took them 4 hours and still I had not been contacted neither had several of the other parents. When the news interviewed me they asked if I was angry - I said I was angry, that I was very angry. I said I have a cellphone for a reason and NOONE called me. Well, now comes Wednesday and I take Isaac to the daycare in the morning, when I pick him up all of a sudden now they are saying if he acts up on the bus one more time, he is going to be kicked out. Now this is the same daycare that was just telling me last week how much better he is doing. But because of what I said - he may very well be kicked out. I don't want to press the issue much more in fear he will be kicked out. I do not have another daycare that can take him right now. I am looking into alternatives - but nothing yet. So anyway I pick him up today - Thursday - and ask how he was on the bus. You will not believe the story I heard. First she said he was getting mouthy on the bus, then I went to the bus driver and asked her directly. She said he was fine. So I went back to the lady and said - the driver said he was fine on the bus. Then she tells me oh, well there was a lady that road the bus with all the kids today and she does not speak very good english, but she said he was getting mouthy. I wanted to ask so badly - if she did not speak english then how in the hell does she know what he was saying? But I did not, I just got Isaac, let out a rather large sigh and walked out.

I have made myself a promise - if he gets kicked out over this - I will call the news back and give them a full report of what happened and then I will call the daycare registry and report them. That is for sure. Will keep you all posted.

So I ask you - HOW PETTY CAN ONE PERSON BE?

Just a Quick Laugh!!!

**CAUTION** NOT FOR SENSITIVE READERS

This is probably going to be a very sensitive post - so I warn all sensitive readers of my blog if you can not handle the truth right now - STOP READING AND JUST EXIT MY BLOG!!!

I have alot to get off my chest - so here I go.

I was in foster care for the most sensitive years of my life. Practically all of it. I have been told so many different stories about my upbringing that is only natural for me to want to know the truth. So I have been looking for some time for the truth. And I have found it.

I have found my birth family. At least my fathers side of the family. I found them on the Internet - they have a family tree posted on there. I have had several chats with my paternal aunts and have found out alot that I never knew. It may actually explain alot of my past and history also.

When I was very young like 2-3 years old my biological sister was in a very bad car vs train accident where her boyfriend was killed and she suffered extreme injuries to her back and head. I have been told after that accident she began to be very cruel and angry with everyone around her. She was beating me and being verbally abusive to my mother. When I was 4 years old {I was told} I went to the bathroom to "go" and my father was in the shower. While he was showering - he dropped dead in the shower. While I was on the toilet. I have been told that after that happened I was heavily sedated in a hospital bed for sometime. Which is crazy because I am now 30 years old and have had these dreams of this happening - but only thought they were bad dreams. I never for a second thought they were real. Apparently it is my past trying to come to the surface. I never knew what they were - until now. Alot of my life is coming together now. After that my mother put me in the system - basically forgot me you could say. I have always been told that I never want to know the truth and now I know why. The truth really does hurt. It hurts to be given away, and I feel sorry for the ones that have been given away. But I hope that like myself - they too can try to recover from the hurt, pain and confusion. Just because someone gives you away does not mean you are trash, it is not possible. There is definitely something good in everyone. I will sooner or later find the good in my real mother, there has to be a reason why she gave me up. I do not want to believe that she just did it because I was to much for her to handle. There has to be a good reason. Some day I hope to find that reason out. Maybe the death of my father was the "straw that broke the camels back" so to speak.

I want to end with this - I know there are several people that love me now. I know that. I know somethings I did are VERY questionable. But only I know what I have gone through my entire life to get to where I am now. I have many secrets that no one will ever know about me, but at least this is one thing I can breath a sigh of relief over. I have a family - a real one that actually did try to fight for me and was turned down at every point. I have never found out the details of why my mother did not give me to "family" and maybe it was for the best. I think that if I would not have gone through all the tough times - I would not have the enjoyable times now.

Love You All;
Kristine

No Surprise.

Wow people never cease to amaze me. Let me start with this first. I am not nor do I think I ever will be sorry I moved to Texas. My son and I are doing 1,000 better than we ever were in Ohio or anywhere else. But man, I am never surprised when someone tries to make everything my fault - that is for sure.

Isaac had his evaluation today and when we got back to the house - his grandmother from his fathers side calls. She first called my cell phone - well I ignored the call because I am not going to use my minutes to talk to her - she can call the house. So, when I ignored the call - sure enough she called the house. She said she was calling because her cellphone went out and she needed my number again - HELLO, she called me. Yeah and not only at home - but on my cellphone too. So would you not also think she has the numbers. So great we are starting the conversation off with a lie. Just what I need. I tell her Isaac went to the doctor and we just got back - so I went to Isaac to give him the phone to talk to her. He really does not want to talk to her and tried to give me the phone back - I told him to talk to her. Then he gets on the phone and she tells him "you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to" so he says "OK and hangs up her"!
He then comes to me and shoves the phone at me and tells me he doesn't want to talk to them anymore. So now what do I do? Do I talk to him and find out why - like I don't already know. Or do I let it go and let him come to me when he wants to talk? Well I chose neither - I sent her an e-mail asking what exactly happened and said I would be waiting for a response from her. I have not heard a thing. Seems like if he hung up on her - why wouldn't she call back and see if he is OK? I guess I have really learned alot about this family over the years. I know people that live far from each other and they still have great relationships - because they call send letters and pictures. But they don't do that with Isaac. I guess they never will. I am not surprised. With them I never get surprised.

OK I feel better about that - now let me get to the good stuff...I have started talking to a guy named Jason. Wow, that's right I am talking to a real life guy. lol. He actually seems really nice - but I never get to enthused until we go out a few times and really get to know each other better. He is an ex-cop {he was hurt in the line of duty} and now he deals in computer tech stuff. We have talked for hours the past few nights and it is going smoothly. We will see I guess. I am hoping for the best - because it is hard for me to really talk to people but it seems easy with him.

Isaac is doing real well, he is truly working on his behavior. I am so proud of him. Hell, I am proud of both of us - we have both been working hard to better our lives together. He signed the book 2 times last week, so that is a huge improvement.

The weather sucks here lately - RAIN RAIN RAIN!!! We finally have sunshine today - but it is all soggy and to wet to go outside anyway, so we are stuck inside.

OK well, I will have to touch back later. Isaac wants to watch TV together.

Love You All;
K&I

All is Well

I figured I would post a blog because I am bored and just feel like venting a little bit. So here goes. This is probably not going to be really about anything - just a little of everything. So if you get bored reading it I understand. Lol.
Well I took Isaac to the meeting last night - it went well. Last week he only had to sign his book 2 times all week. They were very impressed and so was I. I do not really know what is happening to change his behavior, but whatever it is THANK GOD. I really think these classes are helping both of us though. Things we have tried in the past have not worked - we are willing to try anything at this point.
I am trying to work as much overtime as they will allow me too at work. I am trying to get some bills paid off so I can get caught up. I will get there sooner or later. I have really cut back on alot of things. I guess not going anywhere saves you alot of money - lol.
I still have not received any more child support from Isaac's dad. What a surprise - I guess he figures the last payment of $27 would last a couple of months. Give me a break. He needs to have a big sign in his front yard that reads "DEAD BEAT FATHER" then we'll see what he does. Maybe he will pay some child support - no that will never happen.
Any way - I am going to go for now. I feel better. I need to get dinner done.

Have a great night everyone - more later.

It's Been a Long Time

I wanted to wait to post anything until things calmed down. It seems like I only update this blog with bad news. Man, I live a crazy life looking back in this blog and reading what has happened in the past.

For starters, Isaac has had a great week!!! He only signed his book at school 2 times for the whole week!!! That is awesome. He usually signs 2-3 times a day. So as a treat I took him to the movies and out for ice cream at Sonic. He enjoyed it and we had some time to really talk open and free. He is so smart, yet so sensitive. I forget sometimes he is only 8. But he has these grand thoughts - like something from an adult. I have to step back and remember - "OK, he is only 8" lol.
He has not had any major incidents at the daycare. One time he did not have his seat belt on when the bus was moving. He had a new driver and just trying to push his luck I guess. Well it did not work because she got him to get it on. No problems since then lol.

OK as for me, well, my friend at work {Carol} was on vacation this week. So I ended up with major overtime. That is always nice - I need to get my bills paid before them come-a-calling. I have still not paid for the phone, but they can wait until Tuesday - I hope. I have twice as much work when she is gone because I do not want her coming back to a desk full of stuff to do. So, I hope I did not forget anything. Probably did, but it can wait until Monday.
Then Monday morning we have a HUGE conversion at my office and all the big wigs are going to be there form out of state. So, I guess more overtime is in my future - hopefully. I am really having money woes right now. I need to get Isaac on insurance for health. I have his mental covered, but not health. I sent an application to this company just waiting to see if they will take him or not. They are saying his RAD is very hard to cover because he has had it since birth. Preexisting - they call it. Well, crap most of everything we have now - we had when we were born just did not know it. I am waiting for that info now though. Hope I will hear something soon.

I want to say a quickie prayer for my friend Melissa - she had surgery today. She had a hernia in her stomach. She had major surgery today. We went to visit but only for a second - she is on major meds for pain.

O yeah - tomorrow I get to babysit my friends kids. I can't wait. Isaac will have a friend to play with. And I will have a baby to play with - yeah for me...I really can't wait. I act all tough - but I love kids. I always have. But Isaac is a handful enough for me.

He goes to a reevaluation on the 31st - so I will let you know how it goes.

It is now 1:00am CST - and I need to be up in 6 hours, I need to go to bed now.

Love Always;
K&I

Have you ever MADE soap?

We had the most interesting science project going on over here yesterday for me and Isaac.

We made bars of soap. Yep - made them.

They had a silent auction at my job because we are raising money for MOD {March of Dimes} and I won 2 different soap making kits. I thought they would be fun to try.

You get to decorate your soap and pour it into molds and everything. Isaac had a good time and the finished product was pretty nice if I must say so myself. He is very proud of his soap - said he is taking Meemaw some next time we visit.

Hoping to take a trip to Waxahachie next weekend to see her. God I miss her. I figure that would be a great chance for Isaac to learn a little about yard work {since we don't have a yard to work on here} lol. He does not mind helping Meemaw. He loves her too.

Weather:
Yesterday it was nice - kinda chilly but still nice. Today is a different story. Very humid and it looks like it is going to rain any second - but they say it is not going too. I don't know - all I know is it is chilly breezy and looks to me like rain.

I had to have the 3rd DSL man come out today and attempt to fix my Internet service. I think he fixed it. He said hen the switched my service for Comcast to Time Warner they never switched out the port for my Internet. Go figure it took 3 people to figure that out. Let's hope for the best I am tired of this darn thing going down every 5 minutes.

OK well that is all today - not alot going on THANK GOD!!!

Touch back later and update some more.

Love Ya;
Kristine and Isaac

The "Verdict" is in...

I think I am experiencing information overload here but I will try to update everyone.

We have been going through a pretty rough time with behavior issues lately. We went last night and registered Isaac in the "Tough Love" program - it is now called Standupp. They have a bunch of great suggestions that we will be trying at home. I will let you know if they are working or not.

Today he went for a psych evaluation. He was very open and honest about things. He seems to have alot of anger towards his father for not keeping his promises. When the lady asked who he trusted he said "my mom". When she asked if he trusted his father - he said no. He said his father lied to him and he does not trust him now. I guess they will touch base more on that later. She went over the basics and asked ALOT of questions. I watched him from behind the glass so he could talk freely and not know I was listening. He talked about things I never knew he remembered. Things I wish I could forget. So I can only assume how difficult it is for him.

They have concluded he does definitely have ADHD and PTSD (post tramatic stress disorder) they are also going to test him for Bi-Polar and OADD (Oppositional Adult Defiant Disorder). The good thing is OADD is a learned behavior - so there is a chance he may unlearn the negative behavior his shows to adults and people of authority. The bad news is - ADHD, PTSD and Bi-Polar are not learned behaviors and never go away. They can however be controlled with medication.

So I guess in a nutshell - he is doing ok for the moment - but the outcome is still to be seen. They have advised Juvenile Hall would not be a good idea for him. The scare tactic of it would not effect his mental behavior. This comes from a chemical imbalance and may also be hereditary. Since I don't know what type of medical conditions are on my side of the family - I can not make any assumptions.

I have however figured out my kid is a scared little boy that just needs someone to be there when he needs them - and I will do my best to do that everyday.

OK - now I need to go start dinner...

Love:
K & I {Kristine and Isaac}

O Thank God

Well, Meemaw is alright. They sent her home. All the tests came back and they could not find anything. Not a stroke - but she is definitely not herself.

I got some very touching e-mails regarding her and I want to Thank Every Single Person that prayed for her. I didn't really believe in the power of prayer - until now. Thank you all.

We go meet with the Stepupp program people tomorrow - so I guess I will wait and see how that goes. I am hoping this is the thing that Isaac and I both need. He will have male influences in his life and they will be able to help him make good choices. I will update everyone on that then. I will actually get to talk to GROWN UPS. My life has revolved around eating, sleeping, breathing and talking to a little boy - how life in the grown up world will feel - lol.

Boy O Boy - did we get some rain!!! More like a down pour! For about a whole 10 or 15 minutes - lol. They say there is more to come but I am not sure. You never know here if it is going to rain until it has already started. We needed the rain though - we are still in drought status.

Well what else...I learned how to make twice baked potatoes tonight. We made pork chops, twice baked potatoes and green peas for dinner. Isaac ate all of his and half of my pork chop. He really liked it. I am so glad when he enjoys what I cook for him.

I had a good day at work today. My friend Carol is going on vacation next week - so I need to get as much caught up this week as possible. I enjoy my job, office, co-workers. But I wish I could catch on a little faster - I feel like when they are teaching me things - it takes me longer to learn them and I am afraid that will hold me back from any promotion. Carol said it won't - but I don't know.

I will update more later on in the week. There is so much happening this week.

Love and Kisses

Say a Prayer Please

I am only posting this blog for one reason and one reason only. I am asking that everyone who does read this help me in saying a small prayer for my Meemaw.

I was at work today and she called to tell me she was not feeling real good and needed to go to the hospital. She called 911 and they have taken her to the ER. When I spoke to her next - she was very groggy. She said they have given her pain medicine and something to relax her.

They did a CT scan and chest X-rays. They think she may have had a small stroke. My Meemaw says things are better than I know they are. I know she is not well. But I love her and I need her a little longer. I know I am being selfish by saying that. But damn it I have never wanted or needed someone to be my family as much as I need her right now. I love her like the mother I have never had in my life. If I lose her anytime soon - I am not ready to take that on. So I ask you Lord, please don't let this be true. Let her only be sick with flu or something else.

Please Lord hold her hand through these times of pain and sleeplessness and bring her home in good health.

Her son is going to the hospital to see her, I can tell he is worried. I heard it in his voice. At least I will have a line of communication at the hospital.

I am not a very religious person - but I have always been told God hears all prayers whether they are said in a church or not. I hope he hears mine today and brings my Meemaw home safe and sound.

Love;
Kristine

Just Looking Back

Just looking back through some old pictures and thought it would be fun to share some.

OMG - What a Day!

Well, let me start off by saying - OMG! one more time.

This blog may be kinda lengthy because I have alot to get off my chest...lol. So go get something to drink and curl up in front of the computer and scroll down to follow my words...

Well, for starters Isaac almost went to juvenile hall yesterday. Yeah you read it right. He went to school and some kid threw an acorn at him so he decided to pick up a rock and throw it at his head. Well he didn't miss and the kid started bleeding. He went home with a compress on his head. The parents of this kid filed a complaint of "malicious intent" against Isaac. If they stop there - we can work it out at home. If they choose to file an actual assault charge against Isaac he will go in front of a judge and then they will decide if he goes to juvenile hall or not. We will not know that for sure until Monday - the parents have 72 hours maximum to change the complaint to a charge.

Because of this happening I was at the police department with him yesterday evening and was able to get him enrolled in a "STEPUPP" program. Kinda like big brothers and big sisters for children - but instead of using only peers for the children they work with the local police departments. He will have to have a "sleepover" at the jail, a psych evaluation and get a tour of juvenile and what really happens there. Kind of like a scared straight program for children and preteens. I am hoping that he really sees what it is like and that it is no fun.

I have scheduled his evaluation for next week - so I will let you know how that goes. He started back on his medication yesterday, so we will continue that. His medicine is always being tweaked here and there - so sometimes are rougher than others. But it really helps as a mood stabilizer for him. So hopefully we will see some change in his behavior.

I know you don't just pop meds in a kids mouth and get a new kid. I wish it were that easy - lol.
I know it has to do with behavior modification and being consistent. I really try - I really do. But sometimes he just goes on a tangent of his own. I don't know why. I wish I did because I would fix it for him. But now this - I can't fix for him.

He has been grounded and all the toys have been stripped from his room. He is on punishment until further notice. What is crazy is that it was 79 degrees today and he could not even go out and play. I feel bad - but I can't let him know that.

I feel like I failed him as a mother at all. Like it is my fault - I didn't show him right. But I know that is not right. I know there is nothing else I can do right now. I just need someone or something to blame it on. And nothing is fitting right now.

I have had such a taxing week - I need to stop now before I start on another tangent.

Love Always;
Kristine